I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.
Understood and thank you for your wisdom.
Do most people take food back out from the trash?
Only if you are George Costanza.
The eclair was more or less floating on top of the garbage. It wasn’t IN the garbage.
Absolutely. https://youtu.be/qJh5u1tdC4Q?si=jIbva7uT2_tN328S
Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don’t waste food
Ohhhhhh, I didn’t think about that. I considered that the same as “discarded.” But now I feel bad how nonchalantly I was thinking like, “throw the cucumber of joy into the compost or let nature consume it”
I have a dog who doesn’t like most fruits or any vegetables. I’ve forgotten how easy it is to just give produce to pets such as bunnies or the
.
As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn’t feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn’t really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.
Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.
I don’t know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what’s going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.
For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I’ve seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can’t think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that’s skinnier?)
This is the modem equivalent format for an ancient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
This is the modem equivalent
Nice keming
Lol good catch. It was totally on purpose and not swipe being swipe. Yep.
Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you’re worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.
What would you do if someone did comment on it?
“Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”
“I’m gaining weight lately so I need more salad, could you pick up some cucumbers and spinach while you at the store please?”
Immediately think of the post and panic.
wait, why spinach? (text-only answer, please)
I like where your mind go, but it’s not that. Spinach is just a cover up, a distraction. You can’t make a salad with just cucumbers, right?
I see, it has to be cultural. I’m from Czech Republic, but born close to Slovakian/Hungarian border. Where I come from, the spinach would be the suspicious ingredient. (I was like, “are you out of wipes or something?”)
Cucumbers, Balkan cheese, tomatoes, pepper, maybe onion would make it much easier to blend in the crowd.
“Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”
“Sorry honey we are restricting you to only non phallic veggies for your own safety” why do I feel like super Christian households would actually say this.
They probably actually have. It makes me shudder to even think about that.
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When your children start ordering packages, don’t open them and you’ll never have to worry about this.
I dunno, opening the package to see that it’s a dildo might give some peace of mind that they won’t be using the produce.
Now I’m wondering what would be an appropriate age to have that awkward “It’s ok if you want to play, it’s just much safer and more sanitary to use toys meant for the purpose rather than improvising with anything that is the right shape” conversation.
The best story I ever heard about this was a single dad who had to take his teenage daughter to the doctor because she got an infection from inserting a toothbrush handle or something else that wasn’t sanitary, and instead of giving her ANY kind of scolding or negative judgement, he was very loving and helped her laugh it off, and then he just left on her pillow a $100 gift card to Adam & Eve or some other large, commercial, adult site that lets you buy gift cards.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to even suggest an age here, but I think as a parent you will know when it’s time to have the talk/leave the card.
Can… can I have some.
Salad or gift cards?
As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.
As the other female on Lemmy, I would be worried that a piece of cucumber would snap off mid wank and I’d be left trying to pick seeds out of my cooter. I have never done anything like this.
A cucumber could be too large
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Average men everywhere
It is not the size, it’s your ability to give me an orgasm I care about. Sincerely, a woman.
Seriously. I’m not a woman so my experience is from the other side of things, but if there is anything I’m glad I’ve learned in the bedroom it’s that you have to find out what she likes and not just assume. Not all women like being pounded like crazy and at the same time not all women like having their clit focused on. You need to find the sweet spot(s) and also learn how to use them, so to speak.
Absolutely. And a lot of women never learn to have G spot orgasms so it’s a learning curve for them too. But having them vs clitoral orgasms is like the difference between learning Spanish and learning Italian.
What is the difference between learning Spanish or Italian?!
Italian is more bellissimo. So is your G spot orgasm. It’s like 100 times more intense.
Is standard procedure to rawdog the vegetable or are a combination of lube and/or condoms used?
Asking for a friend.
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If your only option is a cucumber then it’s 100% raw dogged because you don’t have access to anything else.
I’ve used cling wrap. Keeps both the cucumber and my bits clean.
Now the big question. Was that particular cucumber eaten or discarded?
I used it to make Asian cucumber salad.
Curious. Now I’m feeling hungry.
I mean not all cucumbers are that huge. You could get a smaller cariant or just a smaller specimen. I do see your point though.
Yea that’s why I said “could”.
I will concur that I’ve never used a vegetable or fruit either. Just seems dirty. Toothbrush or other plastic toy were my first go tos, (plus bath water) but really, can’t emphasize this enough, a lot of girls don’t need penetration to get off. Just clitoral stimulation.
After talking to a few honest (or tipsy) women about their early sexual discovery I know the high likely hood of that Micky Mouse electric toothbrush getting absolutely violated.
Mine was like this long cylindrical toy that was basically a weeble wobble. And a kooshball at the end of a pen (for clitoral stimulation).
https://offerup.com/item/detail/577a38e0-dd43-30c9-b992-38d3645a9362
The koosh ball slapped, didn’t look exactly like the above. It was really really good. I’ve never been able to find something to replace it with and I’ve been looking for years.
lol, for boys it was definitely the “water snake”
Absolutely insane how creative a hard-up young’un can get.
Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.
Okay it’s a pickle at that point.
Well that’s the nastiest thing I’ve read today so far
so far
Veggin’ edgin’ ftw
It happens yes, but I stopped because I understood that insects / mold / organisms grow on fruit and vegetables, so I think of it as gross now, but it beat a hairbrush handle.
I’m just thinking of the little pokey things (spines?) on the cucumbers. Ouch.
How dose cucumbers look where you live? Mostly the ones bought from the store.
Kinda like this. (Random internet image.)
The bumpy things are sharp.
Intresting, I have never seen a cucumber look like that. Closest are some types frown in home gardens but not even those have been that bumpy.
Here they look kind like this
So completely smooth and with around the same circumference as the bigger part of most carrots.
Looks kinda plasticky compared to the cucumbers I am familiar with. Also looks like it is missing the seeds! Interesting. Thanks for sharing with me!
They do have seeds but very very tiny ones.
those are pickling cucumbers here, technically also called a cucumber but you don’t really think of them as the same thing, like how raw beets are technically perfectly edible but it’s assumed you’ll pickle them.
yeah this is weird to me too, all the cucumbers i’ve seen are very smooth…
Not on the plant, the little spines have already been broken off before they get put on a store shelf.
Wait until you find out what Dragonfruit grows on.
Spoiler: cactus. And you can grow the seeds for your very own houseplant.
Ribbed, for her pleasure.
~cats
Barbed, for everyone’s horror.
Teenagers do stupid shit. So while it’s not something everyone does, it absolutely happens. No it’s not something anyone should seriously try. You cannot effectively clean a vegetable and it can break, requiring embarrassing medical attention.
And yes, one of the reasons for an allowance is because teenagers need some agency and privacy to become normal healthy adults. If they want to explore their sexuality alone it’s perfectly natural.
I wouldn’t know first hand but there is a whole trope and many books about this.
Zappa even has a song about this very subject, from 1967.
Call any vegetable https://youtu.be/XhDXbElN1oY?si=I1GT-6SFweEeNuAO
This isn’t even the commercial i was looking for but here ya go.
As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn’t find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn’t around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I’d get an infection.
