I suppose that specifically I am wondering if there are any things you do to perhaps:

  1. stay calm
  2. calm the other person down
  3. get them to understand you better
  4. understand their point of view
  5. diffuse trolls
  6. just be a good person who wants to participate in a conversation that enhances your understanding of others, different cultures, and the world and how it works
  • Excrubulent@slrpnk.netEnglish
    4·
    7 months ago

    I have found that one really effective way to defuse a combative argument, without leaving or arguing forever, is to just ask one question:

    “Are you curious to understand what I am saying?”

    The phrase “curious to understand” is important, because it appears to be anathaema to trolls, but it is absolutely necessary to a genuine conversation. It is a humbling position to be in that gives power away to the other person. I have never seen anyone pretend to agree to be curious who has then gone on to continue to troll. (EDIT: I have to amend this; I have met one. For context, see the dumpster fire below. Apparently they took this statement as a challenge.) If they do admit genuine curiosity, it can help defuse a fraught conversation and lead to a better conclusion. This has happened a handful of times in my experience.

    They will usually try to find some way to deflect. It will usually boil down to: “I am not curious because I believe I already know what you’re saying.”

    Recently I had someone say, “I am curious to understand why [aggressive twisting of my words].”

    Point out that they haven’t admitted to being curious, and that it’s clearly not worth continuing if they can’t admit such a thing.

    In both cases you can simply point out that they are wrong about what you are saying - because if you had to ask this question then they are usually badly reinterpreting you. You can point out that a curious person would want to fix their misunderstanding.

    I also usually say that I am curious to understand them but that I am struggling to and I would like them to answer my questions in order to help. Again, usually by the time I’m asking this, they’ve ignored several direct questions.

    Stay genuine and inquisitive, but insist on the importance of this question and do not get dragged into sparring about the issue. Just allow them to burn all their credibility dodging this question. They very quickly look like a fool doing this and usually the downvotes will follow. After a couple of replies they’ll have given you ample reason to tell them that if they can’t even pretend to be curious then it’s not worth talking to them.

      • Excrubulent@slrpnk.netEnglish
        4·
        7 months ago

        So, you admit that you think engaging in conversation without curiosity is good actually, and that you haven’t read the rest of my comment. If you had, you might have found this part interesting:

        In both cases you can simply point out that they are wrong about what you are saying - because if you had to ask this question then they are usually badly reinterpreting you. You can point out that a curious person would want to fix their misunderstanding.

        I also usually say that I am curious to understand them but that I am struggling to and I would like them to answer my questions in order to help. Again, usually by the time I’m asking this, they’ve ignored several direct questions.

        I absolutely was not characterising every disagreement as trolling, and if you were curious enough to read the entirety of my comment, you might have noticed this.

        I was going to ask what kind of useful conversation you think can be had when someone isn’t curious to understand the other person, but I actually was curious enough to read your comment, and you gave an example. If the flat earther is genuinely curious to understand the answers to their questions - some are and many have changed their views after being convinced - but the astrophysicist is not curious, then the flat earther is the better person in that exchange. The flat earther could be convinced, but not by someone incurious to understand them. The astrophysicist won’t get anywhere by blindly throwing facts at them and expecting them to listen. Flat earthers don’t all believe the same thing, and we’re all wrong about something. If you want to engage someone like that, you need to ask questions and learn what they believe. Without that you can’t help them understand you.

        Conversation is a two way street, always. Treating someone like they’re beneath you is not only going to prevent you from understanding them in any way, it will prevent you from being able to communicate back. The loss of curiosity is the loss of thought, of community, of reality, of humanity.