Imposter syndrome’s a bitch.

I coasted by in school, doing pretty much nothing, relying on my quick learning skills then forgetting everything immediately after. Teachers were apparently super anxious about my lack of attention in class, but then stopped stressing out when they saw my grades or asked me any questions. I just did my shit while they taught the rest of the class. As far as I can remember, back then they were talking about hyperactive kids, not really ADHD. I didn’t fit the criteria for hyperactivity. My brother did, but I did fine in school, so I was okay, right?

Then higher education hit, I got kicked out of one school, more or less crawled my way up and barely made it into university after a couple years of messing around. I dropped out halfway through, thoroughly depressed and even more confused about my own capabilities. I just couldn’t keep up, when I managed just fine as a kid and teen. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I felt like a fucking idiot.

Somehow, I have now wiggled my way into development/programming for the last 8 years by doing an accelerated pre-universitary program and job hopping my way to better roles. I have lead teams, helped businesses grow from startups to getting acquired or having internal growing, I do pretty fine financially speaking, have a beautiful wife and kids… but it really never feels like I’m doing that good. I know I am doing fine, objectively speaking, but I suck at being objective with myself lol

Achievements? What are those? Why do people say you are supposed to feel good when you complete one? I’ve only ever experienced a moment of respite. No matter how hard or challenging, it is just a checkbox to be ticked before moving onto the next task, ad infinitum.