For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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Enlisting in the military.
I was an insufferable piece of shit back in the day, constantly self sabotaging and blaming everyone else for the problems I caused. I was on the verge of homelessness due to my own stubbornness and bad attitude.
The military gave me the swift kick in the ass that I desperately needed. Now I can self reflect and recognize when the problem is me, and I can admit when I’m wrong and course correct.
Military isn’t for everyone, but for me it was exactly what I needed. I learned a ton of life skills and healthy coping mechanisms that my parents never taught me.
I’ve met some wonderful former military as of late. They’re some of the kindness, easy going folk. They just believe in teamwork, and they’re absolutely zero-fuss. I really dig people who benefit from the whole exprience. I just wish it was the common take-away. But really, grounded military are amazing.
This story concerns war and death, if you want to avoid those kinds of things.
I was 18 years old. I was an Infantryman in the US Army and had been in Afghanistan for a few months, when my platoon responded to an IED strike on another platoon in my company, while they were doing a dismounted patrol.
A guy riding a donkey laden with explosives made his way to the center of their staggered column formation (effectively two spaced out lines on opposite sides of the street), before detonating the explosives. It was particularly effective, because walls on either side forced the column in tighter than normal.
This point begins my memories, which are mostly a disjointed collection of visual snapshots.
The first thing I remember is the smell, which I can’t accurately describe, but burned meat, chemicals, and some kind of feces is the closest I can get. It is easily the clearest part of the memory.
The next thing I remember is seeing the severed foot of the man responsible laying in the middle of the road and my immediate and overwhelming impulse was to kick it, since it was the only tangible evidence of a ‘responsible’ party. There were also two generally recognizable bodies in the ditch, as well as several casualties receiving medical care.
From this point it is a series of vignettes. One, I was setting down my radio pack and very clearly telling the lieutenant where it was, since the medics needed extra hands. Another is seeing one of the casualties smoking a cigarette. The last, and clearest visual memory was holding the hand of one of the casualties as we waited for the medevac bird, and trying to keep the mood light be telling him “hey, at least you don’t have to walk back to base”. I have no clue if he responded.
I have absolutely no memories following that day, for probably months, until another, somewhat less traumatic situation took place.
But yeah, that is the day that pretty much all of my emotions died. On my wedding day, I felt just a flicker of happiness. The only emotion I feel with any intensity whatsoever is occasionally anger.
That’s about all, I’m willing to answer questions of anyone is curious.
So my dad had a friend that was so close we called him uncle. Im guessing in most cases and sure in my dads case it was basically his best friend. So he was single and my dad was married raising seven kids. He would stop by with beers out of the blue and he always also picked up some soda or something for the kids. The fact he made it a point to think of us I think impacted us a lot in terms of how important simple kindness can be. So that is the first part. He died while I was in a PhD program and honestly it was not the only reason I left the program but it helped give a good nudge (since my grades suffered for one thing) and actually it let me re-evaluate and realize I did not really want to put in the level of effort needed versus the rewards I would reap in research.
I hope you found the road you want to actually be on. Sudden deaths (I am going to guess 50s?) freakin’ suck. And I have a couple of people I love who have suffered through either older siblings or fathers going at that age either due to medical complications or heart attacks. And they’re all kinds of ugly, because it’s just like…I mean I know they always say “it’s too soon” when they point at people in their 20s and younger. But really - even 50s and under are too soon. Because they’re here one day, and then they aren’t. And it just feels like there’s this hole that your mind cannot wrangle, and a pain your heart cannot take. I feel so hard for people who lose people too soon. It’s lovely that you share his bigness though, still. And it’s beautiful, the way kindness is contagious. One time I was on a train with my ex, and a blind guy came bussing through. Scam or not, when a dollar entered the pot - more and more came. And it showed me how people are willing to give, but their hearts need to be guided. Your uncle (and he was most def your uncle ;P!) showed you that, and it’s big! So many people discredit kids, I grew up with better seen not heard. But I mean, in general - you can see kids being discredited right now just look around. It’s big he taught you to look after the whole lot. And he for sure loved you guys to death. Big healing, big love - tons of aloha.
unrelated but one place I worked were funnding ran out and a few positions were cut including me and the accoutant. He was at this wierd age of upper fifties and did just well enough that he could retire but it would be tight. He looked for another job at the institution and basically retired when he could not find one. I swear it was less than a year later but maybe it was a bit more. He was jogging and just dropped dead of a heart attack. It was so surreal and wierd. His office was right next to mine and we would each lunch together all the time along with some other folks.
Heard a thing about how feeling unwanted by society kills.
Must’ve been around 13-15, went to a pizza hut with my then girlfriend. I saw a darker skinner, heavy-set lady walking over to the counter with her two kids, all of them looking a little dishevelled. Without thinking I said “She looks poor” in probably a demeaning manner to my girlfriend, and she answered “you say that like it’s her fault”.
I’m dumb as fuck so the penny didn’t drop until several years later about the reality of my privilege, and how unfair and fucked up the system really is. Nearly ended up alt-right, now I’m a comrade.
Gunna sneak in here, because I clearly don’t know when to quit - and say the funniest thing is that up until like…now - where middle class folks are seemingly just as heavy as impoverished folks - I think the reason why so many poor folk were always so heavy is because you literally never get real food. All of it’s some processed super high-salt slop that you can’t really run off of. And when you’re hungry - you don’t really run well. And it feels like you’re really eating food, but you sure as hell never are. Outside of like…holidays maybe. But even then - it’s a lot of canned shit. It’s why I am a huge proponent of the “immigrant/fob” diet. Of like - eating simple homecooked meals. Like rice and beans all the way, add a veggie and you’re clutch - and an apple for desert? Choice! But yeah, everyone I grew up around was fatter than shit. And it’s cause not a soul ever was eating food. And the produce we could get could fit in a deli shelf. And I think about it so often, like - how the fuck does America get away throwing away so much actual food (worked at grocery stores before and we trash a shitton of food) - but we can’t be bothered to give real food to a large percentage of our population? It’s fucking naners. I bet you this event meant nothing at the time, but floated up like cream when you needed it - and it’s funny how stuff works like that retroactively teaching you lessons. Hahahaha! You got this king of kings!
At the time it felt like I should be learning something but I just felt a bit ashamed, being nagged and all. Yk the saying, wisdom was chasing me but I was faster. Just needed my knees and back to ache for it to catch up. It honestly wasn’t even age that got it to land. I just met people that didn’t really go to the same places I did, or had a different idea of a hangout spot. I needed to see stuff with my own eyes to learn.
I’m slowly making my way through leftist theory, and introducing my equally-as-privileged friends into it, and have managed to change some of their beliefs which previously were set in stone. They’re still liberal as shit, but at least now understand socialism/communism isn’t just people trying to take their stuff.
Yo! You’re the resistor person, hey! Hahahaha!
I used to be so excited for the internet. I thought we were building towards something grand. And I mean, the internet is super cool - I have no clue where you are, but I know you’re not around me. And it’s cool as hell I can say - HEY RESISTOR PERSON! But the echo-chamber stuff is scary business. The slimy entrepreneurial aspects freak me out too. I’ve also been wrestling with my own politics as a whole. I am for sure in one of the most liberal spaces in the world (not born and raised, perhaps more so siren songed) and to be absolutely honest I am not in love. There’s some aspects that are cool, but socially? I am a butterfly, here? Eh. I love my partner though, so I stay. But 10/10 not my favorite place by half. Which has me wondering - I am liberal most def. But I don’t believe I am liberal enough for this place. Which sounds freakin’ bananas because you’d imagine a queer little mixed one like me would be doing great out here. But it all seems so performative to be honest. Like if virtual signaling was the thing that got people off. Idk.
Which is where I am fucked up, cause it’s got my head a certain way. But I also am by 0 means conservative. Just has me a certain way that makes you stand back, tilt your head to your side with your arms crossed and have a solid “huh” kinda think.
Also - propaganda is so strong that things that got circled around generations ago is still making the rounds! Look at how media is mind control =P! Also it takes me a hundred years to arrive to anything. The fact that you got it at all, when you’re living in a majority conservative space is huge. Because it’s really easy for people to follow “the leader” (being the majority here) instead of sticking their neck out for what they believe in. So kudos, you and yours are probably a bastion of hope in a smattering of hate =P!
One thing I could mention that was crazy was right after Trump had been elected. I went to the Women’s March in Chicago and all kinds showed up. But the crowd that had gathered was more than could be handled, so they shut it down. But then everyone started marching anyways. And we all went in this large square, ending at the Trump Tower. There were so many signs, and even though I had a really basic phone (like actual dumb phone) I pulled off some pictures that I still look back at them in awe. One of the sillier things that happened there were these two white chicks were dancing together on top of trash cans singing negro spirituals and myself and these two black chicks in front of me who were slipping through the crowd all laughed our asses off. Towards the end, my friends and I split and I hopped up into The Cultural Center and looked outwards at the dispersing crowd. And I took a video on my fantastically dumb phone, and it captured so perfectly the chaos of the event paired with the beauty of that city. But it was also so surreal in some way, as I was the only one around at the time. Not even the guards were there. And it was so silent. And I sat in a room filled with quilts, and stared out at the city I loved and felt so much pride for the people who came together to try and show the world that they don’t buy Trump’s bullshit.
I mean also not to brag, but we scared his ass off when he came through =P! So yeah, it was all really nice to see. And it was completely non-violent. Which I also like, because as protests went on things got grottier and grottier until whole cities were total chaos pits. But it was a nice thing to experience.
Learned that the people I thought were my friends… weren’t. Set off an awful chain of events that cost me my dreams.
I feel like don’t know how to make friends anymore, and I don’t know how to trust people.
This is tmi, and fucked up - but I have ptsd from a shooting and have trouble with stuff like…loud bass and sudden bangs still. But right after it happened, I couldn’t trust a fucking soul. Cause I was all sorts of messed up in the head, and I am so thankful for those that pulled me out. One being my therapist, who I found on Open Path. But either way, in time I realized that I didn’t even know how to trust myself anymore because I was so fucked up. And when I worked on that, I felt like I could trust others again…to a point. Never like I used to. Because I straight used to be pure heart on my sleeve. But I did get back to being able to trust as a whole, and that helped with a lot of other things. While I am not 100% better, and might never be (idk, I just take it one day at a time) - I am like way better than I was when I was in the thick of it all.
Also it sucks you feel like you lost your dreams. But perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate what that is, if it’s worth pursuing or if it’s something worth laying down. Because sometimes some stuff is straight up a situation of place and time and whether we like it or not - it’s just worth letting go of it otherwise it drives us crazy. You sound like a realist - how you type. But also clearly a dreamer (cause you wouldn’t have dreams if you weren’t). So maybe figure out a way to combine the two to reconnect yourself to happiness.
As for finding friends? Eh, I used to be able to make them pretty easily. Some fall off, some don’t. An ex told me she was once told by a person who is no longer with us (cancer) that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I recently had to come to terms with pretty much losing my best friend. Who I grew up with, and have walked through so much life with. But he’s on a different path than me, and we’ve just split at the seams. And there’s only so much reaching out you can do, before it’s just something you let go. It hurt, but I think ultimately it is what it is. Still makes me sad, but what can I do about it? There was no dramatic fight, or event or anything. He just sort of drifted off. And it is what it is.
I have heard volunteering can connect you to new folks. Back when I did (I’m focusing on my health right now so that door is closed for me) I will say that I met some cool folks but I didn’t really make any deep connections so I’m not sure if that’s 100% true. I do know that friends you can make online can become something far deeper. As I used to run a forum, and still stay connected to a handful of folks I met there. So perhaps that’d be the best place to start. Because it’s low-commitment and high-gain if you hit it off with someone. Focus on things you enjoy and branch off from there. GL, and never forget to love yourself. Because that helps all the rest of the pieces fall together.
I had a wife die from lung cancer over a ~nine month period. Cared for her etc as best I could. When they die, some part of you goes with them. I’m still alive, but not entirely. That was ten plus years ago now and I’ve remarried etc since, but I’ve taken some damage.
I understand the username now. That’s rough. Good luck to you in your future.
Thank you.
Yo, jesus christ. I missed this. Big apologies. I mean it’s not like…you know - my job to respond to people. But I love communicating with folks and I wanna send some kind of thank you for people who share. Cause it’s ballsy, you know? It’s a lot easier to not interact.
Either way, I think yours got lost in the sea of messages. But I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found happiness(ish?) in the end. I haven’t seen it much in life, but I have met a couple of men who have lost their wives to something out of their control. The one who left the biggest impression on me was a man who lost his wife to diabetes. He said she weighed absolutely nothing in the end, and that he could just hold her in his arms as such. And he was sweet, in the sense that he was an open communicator. But there was definetely something broken in his spirit, and something that left him wandering. Like an endless restlessness. His eyes were sharp, his voice was clear - he advised me to take care of my health because it can go faster than you think. He was probably in his mid-40s then and I hope he’s found happiness since.
And like I said, hope you have too.
Living through the AIDS epidemic. Watching our government in the US just ignore it like it wasn’t happening. Listening to all the misinformation because no one really knew what it was. Losing so many friends because people had no idea they had it and there was no help. And when the US government (fuck you reagan) finally did step up (only because Rock Hudson was a dear friend of his), did we actually get any help for people.
And then… in 2020 Covid happened, and another GOP idiot claimed nothing was wrong, even though the whole planet was shutting down. And it would just go away, “It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.” We need adults in government. Not these people trying to make wearing a mask, in 2024, illegal.
I learned that republicans would rather let you die before helping anyone. And we as citizens need to shove back really hard if we want to live in an amazing country that cares for it’s residents, not just the ones with money either.
Ah jeez, I missed this one. And I was just talking the other day how important it is that folks like you tell your story. I am not sure if you are an ally, a sister, a mister, or someone in between but hearing stories from the epidemic are just heart breaking. I was told nobody wanted to be around the sick, and that it was up to the community to bury their own. Because when it was found out about their lifestyle that they would be disowned by their families. A lovely man told me the worst week was three burials at once. And that everyone was terrified because nobody knew exactly what was going on, but that it was spreading like wildfire through out the community. But also when I thnk about the way we had to hide, and I mean HIDE at the time. Like there was almost nowhere to go to even get a chance to be yourself. Breaks my heart.
Also Republican politicians are swine. And some Republicans are fuck-scums. But I think there are a portion of them that are people who have been brain-drained by the politicians and are actually just scared and messed up. I talked with someone her about this the other day though. The idea of diversifying say…taxes. I am not sure how it will go, because the rich will just leave. In that sense, doesn’t the money go with them?
I am not sure what the proper solution is ultimately, but I do know the whole system is fucked.
I’m gunna go gay it up with my gal, gay it up so hard - just to put a little Pride into the air =)
Avian flu is here now and it’s been a slow trickle of information. They are giving flu shoys to dairy farmers so that’s a start.
When I was 15, I told a girl that she should audition for the elite choir at our school (she was very talented). She said she would audition if I would audition (I had no vocal talent) but I auditioned and being one of the only males I got in. I fell in love with singing, worked my ass off, went to college on a vocal scholarship and now 20 years later I am the vocal coach for the largest theatre in our state. That little moment, which she probably doesn’t even remember, changed my entire life trajectory.
Awesome! I wonder where she is now!
She is married with 3 kids and seemingly very happy with where she is in life!
That’s beautiful, and to get paid for your passion. Tha’ts the cherry on top. I was going to ask if you ever reconnected, but I guess not. You know, the world’s pretty cuckoo nowadays, it’s always nice to drop a line to someone who helped you along the way if you’ve got the time. Kudos either way!
We are still FB friends and have talked a few times over the years, but you’re right, I should tell her!
Awseome =)!
I think at the least, you’ll put some positive vibes into the universe. Which is always good! GL, and stay sinigng =)
It was during “outdoor school,” a week long thing you did in sixth grade (age 12) at my school. You stayed in these really cool cabins that were like 100 years old and spent the week learning about nature. It was fun. Very classic summer camp type of environment.
Also, other schools from the area did it at the same time, so there were a bunch of unfamiliar kids there. Two of the kids in my cabin were from another school, and they perfectly fit the stereotype of “edgy, bad 90s kid.” Super baggy JNCO jeans, spiked hair with a ton of gel, etc. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, watch any teen show from the 90s. They’re in it. Oh, and they said everything was lame. And gay. The cabins were gay, nature was gay, the camp was gay, your glasses were gay. You were definitely gay. That’s why you thought outdoor school was fun: because you were gay. The JNCO jeans kids were way too cool for outdoor school.
I should mention that I was a huge nerd. I mean, I still am, but I was, too. JNCO jeans kids were way cooler than me.
For the whole week, we kept hearing about “the night hike,” which was when you would go on a hike, by yourself, in the dark. The camp really played up the night hike, like it was going to be this big coming of age moment for us. You need to be responsible on The Night Hike. You need to stay sharp on The Night Hike. You’ll be a man after The Night Hike.
On the last day, it’s time for the night hike. Each cabin walked as a group up a hill. At the top, you would then walk back down a trail on the other side of the hill, one person at a time, waiting about a minute after the previous person had gone. I happened to be after the two JNCO jeans kids. (Yes, the night hike was gay.)
When it’s my turn to walk down, I realize that this much-hyped coming of age moment is going to be…no big deal whatsoever. The trail is a very gradual slope with a few turns. It’s paved, for Pete’s sake. You could even see the lights from the cabins after the second turn. And the moon was bright enough that I wouldn’t even need my flashlight. This pivotal moment wasn’t going to be pivotal at all.
After less than a minute, I heard someone on the trail in front of me say, “H-hey, who’s there?” It’s one of the JNCO jeans kids. He’s just kind of standing there on the trail. He didn’t get very far.
“Um, it’s Tucker, from the cabin,” I said.
“Oh, cool,” he replied. “Um, I guess you’re walking faster than me.” He said that like I had caught up to him, which I guess is easy to do when the other person is frozen. “Want to walk down together?” His tone was way different from what it had been the rest of the week.
“Sure,” I said.
I don’t remember what we talked about. Probably what school we went to and that kind of thing. The whole walk only took about five minutes total, so it’s not like we talked about much. But I remember thinking to myself, “The guy that talked tough this whole week…it’s because he wasn’t.”
So yeah, The Night Hike. Ended up learning a thing.
I’ve always laughed at how people can buy cool. This was a great story to read though. I’m not sure how dark it was outside, but the first time I ever entered relative outdoor darkness it was off-putting for me. Maybe that’s what happened. But it also shows how powerful the imagination can be, when the brain bin shuts down and adrenaline takes the reins.
I had two interactions with the same type of realization as a kid.
One of them was the tough and sort of school bully, who one day during the days of yule preparation at school went up to me and tried to probe me on how difficult making candles was because it was gonna be his turn soon.
The second one is more similar to yours. Summer camp thing. One guy I was in the same class as in school was playing tough during the camp. Did not interact a lot with him then, just noticed it, like he did not need a teddy or stuff like the other kids brought. Then we are back at school, after camp, he is not back. I hear from somewhere that he got severly home sick during camp, and had a hard time processing it. Later he did show up to school again, with his mom dropping him off. It was horrible. She tried to leave and he just cried and screamed. I think they tried it a few times more, but he just sat in a corner crying. A year or so later I see him back at school again, retaking that year.
Leaving aside the low hanging fruit that is my gender surgeries, the real answer is probably the covid pandemic.
I’ve been pretty resilient most of my life, but I kinda fell apart when covid took away all of my social connections and coping mechanisms. It was the lowest I’ve ever been.
It takes a few years to really reinvent yourself after a major social inversion. I did okay after ~5 years even with near total isolation. Daily exercise is absolutely vital for the endorphin balance.
That was part of my trouble. I love running, and I got pneumonia (but not covid) right at the beginning of the pandemic, and it took me about a year to recover from that. On top of that, I would regularly run parkrun, and play roller derby, but they both got shut down too.
All coping mechanisms that I lost access to…
It’s all back now, and even though fitness wise, I’m not back where I was, I’m getting closer every day
Big sads, do you feel like you gained your network back? Or is it still limping since pre-Covid days? Also, if you believe in these concepts and feel like sharing - do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert?
Also as a whole, have you found that your social network differs wildly from cis individuals? By that I mean, when I came out I lost a significant chunk of my own. And in living most of what I have now is either reclaimed (reunited in time) or self-gathered (found-family).
Big love, soul sister!
I’m a raging extrovert, and aside from workmates, I don’t think I have any cishet people in my regular circles.
I’ve got social circles again now, post covid, but they’re not the same as they were before covid. The local queer community used to have lots of events, and that used to be my connection to queer folks closer to my age, but a lot of that has dried up and then restarted, but now with a younger focus. And whilst I’m happy to be the elder queer who transitioned ages ago, it’s not so great for connecting with folk of my own generation.
But I still have lots of friends from then.
I used to play roller derby, and that’s gone from my life now (too old to start again), but I still love my running, and I’m a parkrun regular, which brings me around lots of people every week.
Work also gives me a lot of my extrovert social outlet needs :)
Haha! I realized I forgot to see if you had responded or not. Sneaking back. Sneakily. I’m glad you got the lot back, even if the faces have changed. Queers of all ages need assistance, flowing up and down - because it’s not like we work with a solid roadmap. We’re just like…really, really good improvisers =P!
Yoooo, to hard - you go so damn hard! Hahaha! You’re a roller-derbier? My rail thin ex would play, she got into it after that one movie with Elliot Page. Even though we’re worlds apart it’s comforting to know she’s out there kicking people’s asses (and could kick mine, if she needed). You guys are pretty much the coolest, hardest women alive. So kudos. Also on the park running. My partner just keeps moving us to more and more rural spaces. I think it’s driving me batty, but I love her like business. NGL though, I keep nudging her back towards the cities. Cause mama need that social cheese! But I am thankful I’ve got a handful of love bugs that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my time on this planet that keep me a float with all their loving.
It’s funny though, between you me (and the world I guess…hi!) I would have hands-down classified myself as an extrovert. A ravenous one as well. But to be honest, I spent the first x-odd years of my life not saying a thing. Then when I came out, people said I’d never get gals if I didn’t open my mouth. And so I freakin’ sang. I’m still a total cheese, but things have changed as I’ve gotten older. I’ve been thinking about classifying myself as a social introvert instead. But also, and this is the part that still kinda smarts, I’ve been battling a shitty-kake of thing that has really affected my energy levels. Like, you wake up and you never know what level your pain is going to be at or if your body is going to co-operate or not. And it’s really affected the way I interact with others on the whole, because it takes so much more effort to reach that base “me.” But before? I was a tour-de-force. Which kinda is what makes things stink. But I also have been practicing some big-time radical acceptance and haven’t been peeling off my face for stuff that’s outta my control you know? Like, it is what it is. And that helps with a lot of things.
But also, I guess on the cheekier side of things (muwhaha) I get some smiles over the fact that I got to live my big queerventure and have gotten to love so many fantastic people and hear their stories and share moments with them. And like, a lot of people don’t even get a taste of that. So I am really thankful for that, and in that sense it really puts a smile on my face no matter what happens in the end. I mean, also I’ve got a gal who loves me, and is sticking with me through all this crunchy shit. So that’s cool too =)!
p.s. - Big love soul sister <3~!
I’ll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn’t know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn’t go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend’s house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn’t even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it’s like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there’s a lot I’m leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I’ve gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’ll make it.
I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should’ve been there for you unconditionally taught you that you’re never good enough.
I’m convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.
What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?
You are worthy of love, of being loved, and with help you’ll make it.
That’s a lot to have been put through. But you’re still here so that counts, in really huge ways.
Start here: HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. ”Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.”
I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.
I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown
Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.
I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.
And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.
And I’m glad that I didn’t do it, but sometimes when I’m perseverating I think about that moment.
Have you done therapy about this?
Isn’t it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There’s also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It’s like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it’s really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you’re never getting what you think you are. Also, I don’t know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don’t say it, just crowd your time with others and it’ll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don’t want to. You’re just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don’t know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there’s also services that can assist you through getting…assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it’s all just stuff. I’ve lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don’t care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don’t feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I’ve lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don’t take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it’s really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it’s worth the fight, trust. And if you’re younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don’t think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don’t get in trouble for kidnapping I don’t think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn’t exist on the real.
I’m not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You’re so very kind and it’s beautiful. You’ve helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! 💖
Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don’t know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You’ve clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don’t have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you’ll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn’t exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don’t like what you see, that’s okay. I think we’ve all been there. What’s important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you’re going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn’t? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you’ll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I’m a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I’ve put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we’re like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there’s some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn’t something good, obviously, but I didn’t really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I’ve ever gone through… that image of what a human body does as it’s dying… @#£&. It’s not good.
Know someone who died three times. They’re stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It’s all freakin’ awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can’t keep treating people like stray dogs. It’s absolutely horrible, especially for those who can’t hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there’s other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you’re in a better place now. And you’re able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There’s support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they’re safer over the phone, because it’s my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you’re still here. Keep the peace!
I’m not addicted to anything nor was I.
Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you’re in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you’re saying and it’s solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it’s super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you’re vulnerable on all sides. I hope you’re in a better place now, regardless.
Aye, I didn’t mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I’m definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟
F YEAH! It’s getting from that shaky part to the stable one that’s the hardest. No worries, look I don’t know your life you know? You’ve clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!
Thank you so much 🤙
Right back at you sis 🤙~
When I was a teen, the girl that I loved with all my heart told me that my behaviours were (emotionally and psychologically) hurting her. I shouldn’t have needed to be told, but I’m thankful that I was. Lots of therapy and introspection to get myself away from being that kind of person, and onto a better path. I learned to take responsibility and accountability for my actions, and to bring open and honest communication to the forefront of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for the harm I caused her, or if I should. All I can do is ensure that I am never again that version of myself.
Hey, on the plus side - you heard an honest complaint and did your best to fix up what you agreed with. That’s more than most. But also, time heals (most) wounds, and in that sense I hope that things have patched up on her end. It was probably something both of you got to learn from, and it’s big you did. Especially the power of communication - which absolutely should sit hellllaaaaaaaaa front seat. GJ! You dun-did good =)
Thanks, maggot!
Negative experience: got half my face ripped off by a dog as a kid. I’m scared of almost all dogs now and I panic around heelers.
Positive experience: going to college. I’m considerably successful because I decided to go on a whim lol.
Hope you’re doing okay and face is healed up as much as you want it to be. Tbh, dogs freak me out too. Which is a shame, because I dig them in theory. But in actuality, I am not really here for two of the major pets of this world. Which is a shit situation to be in, and I can’t even imagine how shit it must be now that everyone’s out here taking their dogs around everywhere. I hope you’ve got some solid help =/!
Get that college money =)! It’s big. You know, idk if you’re family promoted it or anything but it really does seem to be the secret to stability. I mean, you might not be a Rockefeller. But it really does help expand your chances for a better life.
Thank you for the encouragement.
One of the best child plastic surgeons happened to be in town when I got attacked and he took my case. Can’t even tell anything happened. He did a GREAT job.
As for college and making money, I’m not family oriented per se (I don’t want kids and I’m single ATM), but I have pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, and 11 ducks) and I want to buy a horse eventually at the stables I volunteer at. The horse is a few years off because boarding is expensive, but it’s an obtainable goal lol. Just gotta get promoted, which I am working towards with the guidance of my boss and the owner/president of the company.
Yooo! You’re treating your dog thing by HAVING DOGS! Hahahaha, I love it! I wish I could get behind either. Dogs kinda freak me out, because I have sensory issues with drool and I hate sudden noises. And cats, I’m just unfortunately allergic. But never really dug them, because one scratched up my face as a little ninja. Ducks though, that’s something different. My friend from Ohio is the only other person I know who’s had them. Two to be exact. But that’s really something different.
Sounds like you’ve got land, which is a nice thing to have. And time, which is also good stuff. I don’t know too much about horses, but my partner says there’s a primal connection between horses and humans. Says there’s nothing like riding a horse on this planet. Gotta be wonderful. Sounds like you’re in a good space. Perhaps consider finding a mentee, so that you can share going both ways. There’s a lot of wonderful individuals inside of organizations who might have the fixins for greater but get stuck because they can’t seem to get a leg up. If you can think of anyone in that boat, consider reaching out and forming a relationship. This is going to sound absolutely awful, but I think being a mentor looks quite good as well. Because it requires a series of characteristics which are desirable in the world of business. But it also is a solid act, because you get to repay the favor that someone might have lent to you. Either way, I hope you enjoy your horse when you get them a couple of years down the road =)!
Your partner is totally right about horses. I had a mare growing up that knew my my depression was getting bad and did her best to cheer me up. There’s a horse I love at the stables I volunteer at who is similar. She knows when I’m down or frustrated or whatever and demands attention lol. Hopefully she stays that way once she has her foal and doesn’t become a hella protective mama lol
Is she who you plan on purchasing down the line? I’m not sure entirely how it works. Yeah, my gal loves horses. Loves skateboarding more. Maybe someday I’ll get on one? Maybe not. Either way, it’s cool. I think I might have missed my chance a hundred years ago and not even thought about it cause I knew someone who went to school for it. Instead I just hung with the horse folk, and we drank some of the most heinous alcohol known to man. Was chill though.
I would love to buy her tbh, but idek who actually owns her lol. Most of the horses I interact with don’t get the attention they deserve from their actual owners. Seems like most owners there don’t actually come around too often. It’s a full service stables, so you pay a monthly bill to have your horse fed, watered, and their stall mucked. You just have to worry about the mandatory vet visits and hiring a carrier for their hooves.
The horse people I grew up around also had the most heinous alcohol as well lmao.
