This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.
My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.
We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.
We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.
So, here’s the question. What now?
The hardest part of true love is to separate sex from love. I’ve been in your shoes twice. Once when my late wife(mother of my children) grew sick over several years, and we could no longer have sex, and again with my current partner. In both cases I still love them dearly and will never stop. Sex is not love, it’s a physical act with intense intimacy. There are other ways to be intimate without sex. Watching a movie together, talking about your day or your child, even just cuddling.
Another thing that helps immensely is that I am polyamorous and so are all my partners so I’m also not limited to a single relationship for love and sex.