It’s been pretty much exactly 20 years since a psychologist first suspected I have adhd. I finally got a Ritalin. The mixture of grief and elation I’m feeling is indescribable. I was robbed of so, so much in my teens and early-mid twenties, but I can finally begin to live my life.
Story if you want it: my mum took me to a child psychologist when I was 7 to get an opinion of whether it’d be a good idea that a skip a grade. I only know this because I overheard her telling it to friends as a funny story, and going like hahaha as if MY child is disabled/r-slur (where I live, people use disabled as a derogative, both for the disabled and as a generic one. Similar to how some people say gay as an insult. So, idk an accurate translation, it’s inbetween). This was when I was maybe 12? I googled (at school, didn’t have my own PC) and more or less concluded I have adhd, and that it wouldn’t be safe or worthwhile to bring it up with mum.
As soon as I moved out (at about 19), I went to my GP about troubles focusing that I’d had my entire life. I think that’s how I put it. She referred me to a neurologist and did bloodwork, but I never went, because the GP office gave the diagnostics and referral to my mum when she went to the office (it was her doc too; I’ve switched since). Mum gave me shit. My health insurance ran through her because I was a full time student, so, while it wasn’t legal to show her my diagnoses, she would’ve seen what doctors billed my appointment through her insurance.
I struggled a bunch both with physical health and depression in my early twenties. So an adhd diagnosis wasn’t the first of my worried. I did go to a psychologist who did a mini adhd test and concluded I had it. I must’ve been like 23? So I took her diagnosis to my psychiatrist who was treating my depression. Psychiatrist basically said that that’s ridiculous, because I’ve graduated high school and even have a bachelors in a difficult area. I went back to the psychologist to get a recommendation for a new psychiatrist. Took about 3 years to get an appointment (not really their fault; they’re suuuper booked out and kept telling me to call back in two weeks, and I kept forgetting because, well, adhd. I kinda just tried again every few months when i remembered.)
New psych is great. But I couldn’t immediately get meds because they’re a little hard on the heart, and so is my autoimmune disease. Had to get some ultrasounds, ECG, bloodwork. Would’ve taken probably a week or two as doctors usually aren’t as booked out here (unless they’re the only non private psych who treats adult adhd) but i suck at making appointments, so that was another few months.
I finally got the ok from all of them, and I got my prescription. I cried. At first from relief and joy. And then I actually tried them. And I cried again. This could’ve been how I felt my entire life? So much hardship and pain that could’ve been avoided. So much disappointment and ‘but you’re so smart!’. I mightn’t even be depressed if I hadn’t suffered this much every single day of my entire life.
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading all that! What’s your adhd story?
I only recently got diagnosed with ADHD as well and I 100% feel you.
I got through highschool with a C average because I aced all my tests and did no homework. I flunked out of college because I would frequently get to campus and then be stuck sitting in my vehicle unable to make myself actually get out and go to class. I got diagnosed with depression and spent the next decade cycling through various antidepressants that sometimes seemed to do something but never actually fixed what was wrong with me. I talked to my gen prac about if it could be ADHD and he shot me down immediately. I tried to get in to see a psych but everywhere was so booked up that I couldn’t even get on a waiting list. I went bankrupt, nearly lost my house, and only kept my job through some miracle because some years I missed more work days than I actually worked. I had no social life. I was a hermit and only refrained from serving myself the Kurt Cobain breakfast special because my mom would be sad.
Then one day about 3 months ago my only remaining friend said that their psychiatrist had openings and I got in there. I took one test and he said I definitely have ADHD. I got put on aderall and immediately everything clicked into place. I could think. My brain stopped perpetually screaming incoherently at me. I could actually make myself do things. If there was something I needed to do then I could just go and do it without sitting there locked up for hours telling myself that I need to do it and doing nothing. I could go to work. I could talk to people. I could begin organizing the disaster I had turned my life into, plan a way out, and actually follow through on that plan. I’m applying for new real jobs. I’m grooming myself. I’m paying my bills. I’m ~working on~ socializing. I’m losing weight. I’m eating healthier. I’m getting hobbies as my still limited income allows. I can actually live my life. It is exhilarating and depressing at the same time because like you said, where would I be if I had actually been treated a decade ago? Where would I be if I hadn’t spent the past 10 years sabotaging myself? There’s the exhilaration of finally being free but I’m also mourning the loss of what could have been.
Now I’m in the process of going off the antidepressants I had most recently been on to see how I do just on the adderall and even in the middle of withdrawls I feel far better than I ever had in close to a decade. Yes I was depressed but that depression was because I looked around me and saw people succeeding where for me even the simplest tasks felt like trying to drag myself through a pile of broken glass. As soon as I was able to actually function and meet my own expectations of myself that depression seems to have vanished.
Im so angry and sad for you friend. You’ve been robbed of so much more than me. I’m seriously so lucky that I get paid well, so I can live off savings if I lose a job again. I also live in a room that costs waaay less than market because I’ve got one of the few good landladies. I might even still finish my masters, though the amount of time it took me won’t look good on a CV.
Taking adhd seriously as a medical professional and actually helping those who have it genuinely saves lives. It’s outrageous that it took so long for that to happen to you. I admire your mindset, that you’re ready to now live the life you could’ve always lived. Rooting for you.
How similar the life stories are. Maybe your depression diagnosis is just wrong, result of a line of questioning that caught problems caused by ADHD.
Different for me is that I had some good years where one aspect worked out great, e. g. 4 great years of education around 30 out of nowhere, after so many previous attempts failed. A few years of healthy relationships and even marriage, before it all fell apart again. I am still able to draw a lot from skills learnt during those 4 years.
Still no clue where those “good years” come from and where they went, just hoping that now, with treatment, it’s all going to be good years, at least in terms of ADHD.
This should be an official question on the ADHD screening because this explains how I feel exactly.