I have memories that I feel like is part of my identity… I’m so afraid of losing this memory, it’s a very painful one, but it’s part of my identity, it’s part of my personality, of who I am.
So… I had a adverse childhood event when I was like maybe 6 or 7. Bascially it was 2 things. Supposedly, the events went like this: I was playing with some of my older brother’s toys, and like I didn’t even have the concept of personal space and personal belongings yet, my mother said the toys were meant for “us” didn’t get specific about it, I was a kid so I assumed it was shared… so anyways he got mad at me, and so he used zipties to tie me up and my parents weren’t home. The latter part is the only thing I’m sure of, I wasn’t sure what instigated it, but he was older so there was no excuse for him. Then the next thing (different day) that happened was thay I probably (I assume anyways, I don’t know for sure) that I was probably playing with 'his" toys again, so he chased me around the apartment unit, so I got scared I ran for the door, I ran away from home. Granmother was home, but didn’t do shit about it. The whole fucking scene was chaotic, its like the “Darkest Timeline” meme. So I was alone, for the first time in my life, truely alone. Idk what to do, I kinda just ran. I walked like half an hour to the nesrest bus stop, I got on a bus, and I was just trying to find my mother’s workplace. I got there, she wasn’t there, (because she was already looking for me, grandmother called her), so I was just fucking scared in the fucking store that she worked at, idk what to do. So after like idk 10 minutes, I just went home again, waiting for he bus in the opposite side.
And if you wonder why nobody said anything about a seemling distressed and unaccopanied child, this was mainland China, nobody would step in to other people’s bussiness, bus driver probably though I was the kid of the adult in front of me anyways.
Like I’m just fucking crying as I type this, its so traumatic but I can NEVER forget this. I can never forget the betrayal by my own kinship. I DO NOT WANNA FORGET THIS. As painful as it is, its important. I cannot trust this person who is supposed to be my protector in absence of my parents, “兄弟” (brotherhood) amirite? Where the fuck did his responsibilities go, huh? You were supposed to be a brother, not a fucking abuser.
So anyways, when I got back to the bus stop I can see the cops looking around and I saw my mother. So there that was that.
BUT WAIT, my mother later told me that if she hadn’t found me, I would probably get kidnapped, and she’d just pretend I never existed and would not fault my older brother (5 years older than me) for my disappearance.
MY MOTHER SAID SHE DIDN’T CARE IF I WENT MISSING. WHAT THE FUCK?!?
This was a suppressed memory for a while. I mean I knew it happened, but actively tried to not think about it but it always come back. The past happened. Its because it happens again and again and no matter how many roses I put on top of the remnants of the battle, there’s still blood, blood everywhere (“battle” being the incident, and “blood” meaning the emotional trauma).
I can’t hide it. I don’t wanna hide it.
I was a fucking anamoly, wasn’t even supposed to be born, yet somehow was born under the One Child Policy era, escaped from the grasp of the CCP, only to have a fucking abusive brother fucking up my life anyways.
Honetly, I might’ve been reincarnated in Norway or something, had the CCP been able to find my mother and forced an abortion before I was born.
The idea of “China” has been forever tainted in my mind. Its a graveyard of traumatic memories, I went to Baidu maps to look at where I was, and I just fucking cry.
But I can’t forget it. I can’t afford to. I need to remember. I need to remember this betrayal. Someone of my own blood attacking me. What the fuck?!? I remind myself every so often. Never forget. Never.
So this is why I asked the question. If I ever forget this, am I still me? Because I’d be vulnerable to betrayals. I do not want to be betrayed again.
I have memories that I feel like is part of my identity… I’m so afraid of losing this memory, it’s a very painful one, but it’s part of my identity, it’s part of my personality, of who I am.
So… I had a adverse childhood event when I was like maybe 6 or 7. Bascially it was 2 things. Supposedly, the events went like this: I was playing with some of my older brother’s toys, and like I didn’t even have the concept of personal space and personal belongings yet, my mother said the toys were meant for “us” didn’t get specific about it, I was a kid so I assumed it was shared… so anyways he got mad at me, and so he used zipties to tie me up and my parents weren’t home. The latter part is the only thing I’m sure of, I wasn’t sure what instigated it, but he was older so there was no excuse for him. Then the next thing (different day) that happened was thay I probably (I assume anyways, I don’t know for sure) that I was probably playing with 'his" toys again, so he chased me around the apartment unit, so I got scared I ran for the door, I ran away from home. Granmother was home, but didn’t do shit about it. The whole fucking scene was chaotic, its like the “Darkest Timeline” meme. So I was alone, for the first time in my life, truely alone. Idk what to do, I kinda just ran. I walked like half an hour to the nesrest bus stop, I got on a bus, and I was just trying to find my mother’s workplace. I got there, she wasn’t there, (because she was already looking for me, grandmother called her), so I was just fucking scared in the fucking store that she worked at, idk what to do. So after like idk 10 minutes, I just went home again, waiting for he bus in the opposite side.
And if you wonder why nobody said anything about a seemling distressed and unaccopanied child, this was mainland China, nobody would step in to other people’s bussiness, bus driver probably though I was the kid of the adult in front of me anyways.
Like I’m just fucking crying as I type this, its so traumatic but I can NEVER forget this. I can never forget the betrayal by my own kinship. I DO NOT WANNA FORGET THIS. As painful as it is, its important. I cannot trust this person who is supposed to be my protector in absence of my parents, “兄弟” (brotherhood) amirite? Where the fuck did his responsibilities go, huh? You were supposed to be a brother, not a fucking abuser.
So anyways, when I got back to the bus stop I can see the cops looking around and I saw my mother. So there that was that.
BUT WAIT, my mother later told me that if she hadn’t found me, I would probably get kidnapped, and she’d just pretend I never existed and would not fault my older brother (5 years older than me) for my disappearance.
MY MOTHER SAID SHE DIDN’T CARE IF I WENT MISSING. WHAT THE FUCK?!?
This was a suppressed memory for a while. I mean I knew it happened, but actively tried to not think about it but it always come back. The past happened. Its because it happens again and again and no matter how many roses I put on top of the remnants of the battle, there’s still blood, blood everywhere (“battle” being the incident, and “blood” meaning the emotional trauma).
I can’t hide it. I don’t wanna hide it.
I was a fucking anamoly, wasn’t even supposed to be born, yet somehow was born under the One Child Policy era, escaped from the grasp of the CCP, only to have a fucking abusive brother fucking up my life anyways.
Honetly, I might’ve been reincarnated in Norway or something, had the CCP been able to find my mother and forced an abortion before I was born.
The idea of “China” has been forever tainted in my mind. Its a graveyard of traumatic memories, I went to Baidu maps to look at where I was, and I just fucking cry.
But I can’t forget it. I can’t afford to. I need to remember. I need to remember this betrayal. Someone of my own blood attacking me. What the fuck?!? I remind myself every so often. Never forget. Never.
So this is why I asked the question. If I ever forget this, am I still me? Because I’d be vulnerable to betrayals. I do not want to be betrayed again.