Yeah. I often notice that I can do something just fine if I’m doing it on my own.

This may be a ridiculous example but: One common source of friction is when we go grocery shopping together and put all the items back into the shopping cart after the cashier has scanned them. They are super fast and so we need to be pretty fast as well putting them back into the cart without for instance damaging fruit or veggies.

When we are shopping together I never know what to do. My partner is super fast at putting things into the cart and I want to try to help but I feel like I’m just getting the the way because I’m putting things back in the wrong order or into the wrong part of the cart.

When I’m on my own I do it just fine my own way.

I have a job, and fortunately one that I’m actually really good at. I participate in chores but the problem is more like… being aware of “the bigger picture”, so to speak. Like, when we’re looking for / moving into a new apartment: All the things that will need to be done in the process and doing them in time. Thinking and planning ahead.

One of the turning points for me was to stop putting myself last and to instead put myself first.

This is actually great advice. I’ve started to notice that I have ended up in a mental place where I’m constantly beating myself up and disregarding my own needs and feelings because “I’m the one who’s wrong” and so I feel like I’m not allowed to complain about anything. It’s not helpful at all.

I’m sorry to hear that. Having ADHD is a struggle but being the partner of someone with ADHD is extremely exhausting as well. I think there should be support groups for partners of ADHD-people.

Thank you so much :) I have in fact started to set reminders and alarms for things I need to do and it works well. My problem is rather to become aware of things that will need to be taken care of soon or being attentive enough to notice when something needs to be done, you know?

Thank you for your kind words <3 <3 <3

Thank you <3 I don’t think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don’t have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.

Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that’s a big if) there’s still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.

Thank you so much! Yeah I often forget that and only see all the things I haven’t achieved yet.

Thank you so much, I appreciate it!

Yeah, I… I try to remind myself that I can’t change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don’t mean it as an excuse but that’s the whole problem with ADHD.

We definitely need space from each other right now and… I don’t know, I’m both incredibly sad but also if we really can’t make each other happy anymore than that’s a fact I need to accept.

Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.

My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.

Thank you so much for your words and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard thing yourself <3

Thank you, I really appreciate your input.

I’ve been getting better at handling things, I think. I also realize that sometimes I’m so scared of fucking up that I don’t know what / how I should do something. But when I just do it without worrying so much it often works out. Maybe not in the most efficient way, maybe sometimes in a kinda complicated way, but often I do find a way.

I will keep trying my best and I know I will keep getting better at things. And if my marriage really is over then maybe we can both be happier than we are now.

Thank you <3 <3 <3

Thank you for your support <3

I don’t think my wife came into our marriage expecting me to change. It took her a while to realize something was wrong and all the while our relationship was developing a dynamic that just got worse and worse.

Thank you <3 No I don’t live in northern Colorado but virtual hugs are very much appreciated <3

Yeah, being kind to myself has been hard. I feel like such a failure most of the time.

Thank you so much <3

Thank you so much <3

Yes, in the end I’m thinking: It’s better to be apart than to keep making each other miserable. I want my wife to be happy and if she can’t be happy with me then I truly want her to be happy with someone else.

All the best and much love to you <3

The issue is that I’m bad at “the mental load”. Keeping things in mind, being aware of stuff that needs to be taken care of and taking care of it before it’s too late.

For example, I do the dishes, I vacuum, take out the trash, no problem. But when there’s mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won’t notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P

Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.

Our problems actually did start during Covid but I don’t think the pandemic / the lockdown had anything to do with it. But that was when we moved to a new apartment for the second time and my wife started to realize that she was the one taking care of everything.