Acorn squash, bruh. Shit was fucked.

I was in Jamaica and my friend and I bought mangoes from a Rasta. We went down to the beach to eat them but I saved some for the next morning. Unfortunately I forgot to put them in the fridge and they sat out over night. Dumb me didn’t realize at the time and I ate them for breakfast. Everything was fine up until this point but thing was I was flying back home in a few hours. Right before I got on my first flight it hit me. I managed to be calm and hold it but it was rough. Landing back in the states and waiting to go through customs was awful and once I got through I let it all free. I was in so much pain and discomfort waiting for the next flight and once we got on there were plane troubles and we had to get off and walk across the airport to our new gate. I had to use the bathroom every 20 minutes between this, had bad cramps and nausea. Luckily I was able to sleep through my next flight because I was so exhausted after all that. I’ve had some bugs before but this was the worse. All from my favorite fruit too.

Thanksgiving 2019, went to meet the family at a “fancy” sort of pub out in the sticks for Thanksgiving dinner because all of us were too busy to deal with a traditional get together. Naturally, everybody had their fill until regret as it goes and everybody went back their separate ways.

It wasn’t until a couple hours later I started feeling queasy and figured I just needed to sleep off the copious amounts of food I’d eaten, so I went to bed. Until 11pm. I had to rush to the bathroom and rotate between facing the toilet, and sitting on it, for about 20 minutes expelling everything my body could muster. After I got back to bed, it came back every hour like clockwork for about 7 hours, except I’d already been empty after the first episode. I finally got to sleep and spent the next 36 hours trying to remain asleep so as not to feel the pain, and ultimately didn’t eat anything for the next four or five days, except small amounts of chicken broth, water, and ginger ale.

I started a new job at a nice-ish office, next to a pretty fancy mall. On my 3rd day, my colleagues invited me to lunch at the food court of the mall. A couple hours later, I started getting nauseous and sweaty. Had to rush to the bathroom a couple times, which looking back I was lucky it was coming out of one end instead of two. After the 2nd time, I thought I’d chance it and rush home rather than having to go through another ~2 hours of this at the office. Luckily I lived close to the office back then so I was able to make it home. But in my rush I forgot to tell my manager, just told a coworker sitting near my desk I wasn’t feeling well and left. I emailed my manager that night, telling him that I also wouldn’t be able to make it in the next day. So my very first week at this job, I was only there for 2.5 days before getting sick for 1.5 days. Not the best first impression.

I didn’t know until much later, but my manager told me that he thought I hated the job and was about to quit after a couple days.

I was on business trip in Atlanta and had nachos at a dive bar. My supplier had put me up in a corner suite overlooking the runway and I spent the night bowl hugging with liquid coming out of both ends. Met my boss at the airport the next morning where he said I looked green… and he upgraded us to FirstClass. It was my first time in FirstClass and I spent it in the lavatory. Got off the plane, had a meeting at the plant, went to the hotel and passed out for 12 hours.

Woke up with my stomach in knots, figured I ate something bad the previous day. Texted my work group chat and let them know that I would be useless if I showed up, and explained that I think I ate something bad for dinner. They said something along the lines of “no worries, but you’re still gonna have to come in to at least grab the paperwork for staying home for a day.” Annoyed, I got a ride to work and went to go do the formalities and explained that my boss had already given me the go ahead to stay home, I just needed the paperwork. First guy I talked to had no issue just writing it up and sending me on my way, but when he stepped away for a second I got asked some questions by one of his coworkers who told me “we have to give you a check up first to determine if you actually have to stay home.” She checked my stomach for pain and listened to it make some noises, then decided I was just constipated and gave me something to drink to help. First guy still wrote the paperwork up for me, and I got to go home, stomach in even worse situation and I spent nearly 2 hours on the toilet before I felt safe enough to go lay down and slept the rest of the day away.

(And yes I’m well aware that it’s atypical to get a checkup by your workplace, this was a weird and terrible place to work. Glad I got outta there.)

In high school we were hosting a marching band competition for schools a little smaller than ours. The band students helped work the whole event, so we were outside running around the football field all day.

Eventually, we got to lunch, and myself and friends ran over to Arby’s. I’ve never really enjoyed coffee in my life, but a friend convinced me to try the JaMocha Shake. “It’s so good,” they said. So anyway, after a shake and roast beef sandwiches, we go back to the football field to help out in the afternoon.

An hour or two later, something in my gut started turning sideways. I was sitting high up in the stands with friends, waiting for a band to finish their performance. Suddenly, it all came up. Roast beef and coffee shake. All over the stands…and dripping down onto who ever was unlucky enough to be below. At this field, the concessions were under the stands. Oof.

So I ended up going home, of course. But I know that a friend of mine unfortunately had to clean it up. Poor girl.

It was the last day of my first year at the university. I had few hours before my ride arrived. And because I was a poor student I was doing everything to eat as cheap as possible. On the day of the move I had no breakfast as I assumed I can hold off until I get home. I was wrong. Luckily for me the place I lived in (it was some sort of a dorm) had a place to leave food that’s no longer needed. It wasn’t spoiled or expired, so everyone could grab something. Unfortunately one of the breads develop mold. I found about it after I was done with couple slices. Long story short, few hour drive home took half a day because I had to hit the bushes every 10 minutes.

We had just moved from Portland to Denver, and were trying new restaurants. One Sunday we ordered delivery from a local Chinese place that had good reviews. Food came, we ate and all was good for a couple of hours.

Then my wife said "I think I’m gonna puke* and dashed for the bathroom. Being the good husband, I followed her to hold her hair while she worshipped the porcelain god.

She had barely got done emptying the content of her stomach, when I literally had to shove her out of the way to emoty mine.

We were both miserable for about 36 hours.

I was making the wife and I some turkey meatballs with a little cube of mozzarella in the middle trying to be fancy. Turns out, when the mozzarella melts, and you don’t have a food thermometer, it’s REALLY hard to tell if the meatballs are done in the middle… We both spent two days being sick from both ends in a one bathroom apartment. Also had to pay $300 for the doctors note for my crappy job so they wouldn’t fire me for missing work for two days. Not my proudest cooking moment…

1999 - Taco Bell nachos did me in, never ate there or at any Taco Bell ever again.

2004 - Some sushi joint outside of Tacoma, WA, I had the shrimp tempura. Nothing tasted off, but that was my first experience with it coming out of both ends at the same time.

2005 - I was an idiot that thought, for God knows what reason, that the floor of the trailer I called home at the time while stationed in Iraq would remain cold enough to keep a can of Fritos dip cool after I opened it (we did not have a fridge). I was very very wrong and paid the price later the following evening after finishing the dip that day, and that was my second experience with it coming out both ends at the same time. I know it was my own fault, but I still can’t eat those dips to this day.

Fast forward to 2020 - 2023, something is making me randomly ill on a monthly, sometimes weekly basis. I eat a regular meal, 30 minutes later I’m in the bathroom with horrible cramps and shits. It took me nearly 3 years to figure out that I’d become lactose intolerant due to age (this is apparently a common occurrence as you get older). Haven’t had any issues now that I know to avoid most dairy, but I can immediately tell if I’ve unknowingly ingested some, because it feels like I’ve been poisoned 15 minutes into consuming it. Then comes the frantic race to swallow as much Lactaid and lactase pills as I can to calm the storm before it can reach my intestines.

Most recently because my memory is bad? Had some ramen with leftover brisket. I had been eating it for a bit, but the brisket had just past the point of no return.

Luckily I was the only one to eat that, so me and the single toilet were not disturbed.

Sister and dad love Oysters, Muscles, shellfish in general. So when I got some muscles I boiled them up then made macaroni in the juice left behind. They ate it, they loved it. But I ate about a half cup of the pasta. Just the pasta.

Sickest I’ve ever been in my life. Closest I’ve got to shellfish since is Shrimp. They don’t bother me.

Kebab joint in the very centre of our million person town.

Ate it on the day before Xmas, was walking and talking again by mid Boxing Day.

Bleaugh, lie down sweats and toilet yoyo.

The place shut down 5yrs after.

This was 20yrs ago, no kebab related issues since then, all tasty. Sour cream and garlic sauce, add a single felafel too.

We have high standards for American Chinese food. There was this place where we used to live in the food was great. Not everything they made came out of a bag, and even the things that did come out of a bag had absolutely superior sauces. I don’t know exactly what they did but whatever it was it was better heads and tails than anything else around here.

We ordered our regular dishes one day. A few hours later we were exploding out of both ends. Was it them? was lunch? Who knows? We went about our regular business and two weeks later ordered the same regiment. A few hours later we again were exploding out of both ends.

The puking wasn’t all that bad but the raw acid diarrhea and the massive cramps were just insane.

This was a pretty bad scenario because of the time we lived in a house with one bathroom.

We never ordered from there again. They had this really great iced tea It took me ages to figure out how to replicate it. It ended up being like 14 to 1 regular sweetened black tea to Earl Gray, plus a splash of lemon.