Years ago I read a reddit thread saying you shouldn’t pursue friendships or relationships at your workplace. Then I again see all over the places over the internet that friendships don’t happen a lot after you become working adult and that they’re struggling make new friends. My question is If you don’t purse friendships, how would those happen?
Want to know about the thoughts of people over here.
The phrase I run with: don’t shit in your own backyard.
dont get your sugar where you get your bread.
I have work colleagues. people I commiserate with on interoffice politics and the like.
I don’t have friends.
I’m too old for other peoples bullshit and refuse to change my QoL because “Jerry” decided we’re going on a weekend adventure to methtown USA.
between work, home, and hobbies I’ve got barely enough time to sleep.
It’s fine to develop relationships at work and move them into “on good terms” territory if that is viable. It’s also fine if it is possible to move those viable work-friendships outside of the work environment to see if they can stand on their own. What is not smart however is to think that work-friendships are real friendships just because “we get along” at work. Most work friendships will drop you like a hot rock if you get fired. It’s important to be ready for that to happen even as you see what friendships might be viable.
One of my longest and closest friends was originally a coworker. It’s hard enough making friends as an adult. Don’t limit yourself unnecessarily.
Like most things, I think the answer is a frustrating “depends.”
I’ve made some life long friends through workplaces. I’ve made workplace friends whom I haven’t really ever thought about when I switched jobs.
Maybe the key is tone the relationship to whatever it’d be if you just knew each other through other friends? If you get along but don’t super click, a casual friendly work acquaintance is probably right. Do you two really get along, have some shared interests/perspectives etc? Then why be constrained with only kicking it at work?
Yes, absolutely. Why would you not?
You’re going to see them regularly anyway, so might as well be on friendly terms. Depending on where you work it’s possible or even likely that you’ll share some common interests too.
Yes, you or they will probably leave the company at some point, but that’s no reason not to make friends in the meantime. People come and go all the time; that’s life! If you’re lucky, you’ll make a friendship that survives even if you have to part ways at work. If not, just be happy with the friendship you had for as long as it lasted.
There’s a difference between being on friendly terms and being friends. I’m on friendly terms with everyone I work with, I’m not friends with any of them. Even those I’ve worked with for many years. I’m not at work to make friends or hang out or talk about personal issues. I’ll listen politely to whatever a coworker wants to say to me, but if its not about work I’ll try to redirect the conversation or end it as politely as possible. For me it’s about professionalism; if we’re not talking about a work related subject, we are off topic and wasting time. There’s also the potential for drama that comes with people at work knowing about your personal life and keeping a strict division between work and home avoids that risk.
Obviously this is entirely your choice to make, but this all sounds really rigid and restrictive. If you view someone telling you about their weekend as “wasting time,” I have to wonder if that mentality cuts into your personal life too. It’s totally reasonable to make friends at work. If the concern is that they’d bring your personal drama to work, then just don’t involve them in any personal drama and you’re gold.
My personal life is very different, I’ll generally talk about whatever with friends or even people I’ve just met. I think I am very unprofessional when I’m not working, it’s only when I’m working that I’m like this.
The point about drama isn’t necessarily about me sharing drama, there’s way more potential catalysts beyond that. Office politics can get crazy and all sorts of things can create weird drama. Being the boring person who is nice to everyone but only talks about work topics is an effective way to avoid that kind of bullshit.
So (in my opinion) you need to first be very clear about your goal… You shouldn’t just DO or NOT DO anything really - YOU are the variable that needs to be accounted for.
If you are younger or desperate for social interactions/ friendships, and depending on the type of job, you can often make great friends at/through work. So if that is your priority, this is an opportunity.
But, work friendships come with professional risk. Your managers aren’t your friends, that dynamic will betray you if push comes to shove AND that thing you do/say at that party will be considered in your performance review and/or reported to HR. So, if career it your priority, then be pleasant, but leave it at “work friends” no genuine attachments.
But not all work relationships are between managers and direct reports. It would take a lot for me to become a friend with a manager or direct report outside of work. However, it is a lot easier if it is a coworker or someone in a different department.
I’m not speaking exclusively of relationships with managers. It’s all “dangerous” on that side. I say avoid the risk if your social relationships outside of work are otherwise satisfactory. Again, if social connecting becomes your top priority over career, you can push boundaries at work, otherwise I’d say find an excuse to not go out for drinks and generally stay in the “middle” area where people speak about you in vague, but pleasant, terms… Then go home and live your REAL life with close friends, romantic partners and family who actually care for you.
Really, your work ultimately doesn’t give a SHIT about you. Everyone would still be expected to clock in tomorrow if you dropped dead tonight. Take the hint and invest the BARE MINIMUM in work.
If work is so shitty, then why not have a friend too commiserate with at work?
If my coworkers are such horrible people because they work at the company I work at, what does that say about me?
To first half, nobody is stopping you if that’s your priority, Brad…
And second half seems to be a false premise you just supposed entirely from your asshole?
Night night now.
I’m replying because the premise of the discussion is for the person asking the question to others if making friends from work is bad. Yes, no one is stopping me, but a third person is asking for the pros and cons and I’m responding to give that person context.
And the second part is based on how you are viewing the relationship of different people in the organization. Yes, the senior leadership sees you as a replaceable cog, but people work together with other replaceable cogs. The way you’re discussing it, it sounds like you’re taking the views of senior management and saying all the employees will act and think the same way as senior management. Which is why I brought you up; you’re a cog just the rest of them. If you’re going to assume the rest of the cogs are going to act that way, what makes you so special in that you are the only one who acts differently?
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What do you have to lose by being friends with the people you work with?
It’s not that I don’t like my coworkers, and I do spend some time with them, but I preemptively block them on Facebook to have some safety. I do have them on Instagram but that’s 99% pictures of my dogs or maybe vacation so that’s harmless, with the odd goofy meme thrown in for good measure. But I do not add them anywhere I might express a political opinion or share something overly personal. (I also use filters on Facebook the odd time I do this). Someone once took a post of mine out of context and took it to my manager who met with me about it and scolded me with threats of discipline even though it actually had nothing to do with work, because this woman was in very deep shit for something else and trying to divert attention to other staff, because she’s like that.
Also a couple of my coworkers are sort of passive antivaxxers (in that they got the two doses mandated for work but spend time telling us about how the vaccine doesn’t work and we shouldn’t be forced, etc), so they are blocked everywhere and I share very little with them at work besides brief remarks. I have also had some bad days in the last year where I have simply said things at home are tough because I’m obviously not myself, but didn’t share what. I just keep a healthy distance but am reasonably friendly.
Yeah. You’re not going to be friends with everyone from work and over sharing with some people can be a significant problem. You’ve definitely got to pick the people you want to be friends with.
Work friends are great. When you’re bored af, and just want to open your mouth and let your neurons fire random bullshit straight to your larynx, who else are you going to giggle with?
It’s a little confusing because IMO both of these things are true at the same time: it’s good to make friends at work, but by default your coworkers are not your friends.
But that’s really just poor wording.
Having a friend or three at work is wonderful. It can make a shit job tolerable and a decent job fantastic.
Just choose wisely, take your time, and don’t be too trusting too soon. And don’t reveal too much personal information to coworkers that you don’t know well and trust yet. Some of them will use that info against you. Ambitious psychopaths can be very charming.
For real you’ve got to keep it tight until you really know someone. Don’t go telling everyone you smoke weed or something like that. You could do something completely innocent, someone takes it personally, and next thing you know you’re up for a random drug test.
But yeah one of the best friends I’ve ever had is my sometimes coworker.
Same. A former coworker and I were in two different bands together, and we’ve stayed in touch over many years. And I’m pretty tight with 2 of my current coworkers, and friendly-chatty with a third.
But I keep everyone else on a low information diet. Especially my boss. He loves to use people’s hobbies, personality quirks, etc, against them. Almost anything that isn’t “working hard like a professional” is seen as some kind of weakness by that idiot. His only real hobby is ‘craft beer’…because of course it is. (Not meant as a slam against people into beer, but my boss thinks that’s an entire personality).
We’re ambitious sociopaths, thankyouverymuch.
Make friends! Enjoy yourself!
Then unionize and protest for better working conditions.
You do whatever you want.
Just don’t be stupid.
I’ve tried to focus more on “being friendly” than “making friends.” It’s definitely beneficial to be cordial and stay on good terms with people. The last 3 jobs I’ve gotten have been through networking and direct referrals from old coworkers. I hate bowling but I still accept the invites to the semi-annual charity bowling events at my old workplace because I like catching up with some of the old guys and I want to keep my options open if something open up.
I also think it partly depends on whether you’re just punching the clock or if you have career aspirations. I’ve known plenty of guys who were buddy-buddy with everyone then got promoted to a managerial/leadership position and struggled because they didn’t know how to maintain professional distance.
As far as dating at work…after a couple rough experiences in my early 20’s I’d say never again. Echo what someone else said, “don’t do it at a job you can’t afford to walk away from.”
