Ten minutes ago, I was watching the moon while listening to music. Specifically, “My Castle Town” by Toby Fox. And I just started crying. Tears of joy. I realized just how much I enjoy living. The pretty view of The Moon, the beautiful melody…
I never had any bad things happen to me. I love my parents because they are loving and kind, no trauma whatsoever, had depression once but I sent it away shortly. Lots of hospital visits though. But nothing serious. No girlfriends, no love pains etc.
I have basically nothing in my hands right now. But I’m always able craft new hobbies when I run out of them. By the mere power of imagination. In fact, I’m looking to learn French now because English was easy as fuck.
But while I enjoy life very much, I realize that I begin to distance myself from those that do not think the same. For instance, one of my friends never takes any joy from anything that he does. Say; complains about not having a girlfriend, being ugly etc. etc. He’s the most handsome person I’ve ever seen in person. And girls just straight up lust over him. Yet, he insists on focussing on the negative. Which makes zero sense to me. Why is he ruining his own life by refusing to see the good?
Now I do realize that most people are not as lucky as me to be with absolutely no problems in their lives. However, I had the “basic” set of problems that men my age have. Those being:
- Like a girl but she rudely refuses you (or even insults)
- Argue with parents
And my “friends” are always so offended by these problems all they do is complaining about them non-stop. One even tried to kill himself over a girl. I genuinely can’t warp my head around this. Why? When I encountered these things I never cared or at worst deluded my way out.
Why can’t people just sit down and appreciate life? When I’m sitting down waiting for something, the mere ability to move my limbs seems fascinating to me. I get out of so many things.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean any of this as seeing myself above others. (Although I do have a massive ego.)
Meanwhile, I will watch the Moon.
Because there’s a disease called Depression and it affects your perception of the world.
It’s hard to understand it. When I was a kid, my mom would tell me about some rich/famous people who ended their lives, and asked me what I thought of it. I thought: But they are rich/famous, why would they do something so stupid
Then I got older and am diagnosed with depression. I understand what those people were going through. It can’t really be understood until you’ve gone through it.
Having depression is different from experiencing a depressed mood. Clinical depression is very long term, much more serious.
Its like… you are a computer, and this malware appears out of nowhere starts corrupting your system files, and the beautiful colorful desktop background crashes and its just a blank, black, desktop, the shortcuts wouldn’t open the programs, you try to use the antivirus but the malware just can’t be removed. Its so advanced that many computer experts have no idea how to even remove it…
It’s great you are so happy in life, and long may it last! My advice to you would be: learn to really listen to others. Find out about them, and how they experience the world.
I mean I hate living because the world is a shitshow and everything I do is based on the suffering of others. I can’t eat fruit without thinking about how it was probably grown by slaves. On the flip side, other people are prospering because of my (obviously much lesser) suffering. Thanks for hoarding all the meds and houses, asshole.
But also I think formative years play a huge part in things. I don’t want to go into detail, but I was born into an unhappy situation, and I never got to go to school or anything so I was in that situation 24/7. Most of the few people I knew growing up couldn’t stand me, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that now I can’t connect with people. I think some of us, the part of our brain responsible for happiness, or at least responsible for the things that make us happy, never really develops.
I try to see the world and everything in it for what it really is. I don’t believe in fate, god, karma, souls, etc. The way I see it, I’m depressed and don’t enjoy life because I’m just a collection of electrical signals/chemical processes inside of my brian. And my brain is fucked. I can’t relate to people who genuinely enjoy life. I get sparks of happyness but spend most of the time being miserable.
Another personal reasons for why I don’t enjoy life is change. I know that no change = no progress = boredom, but I still despise it. And look at that, literally everything in life changes all the fucking time. Loved ones die, pets die, the tech I love slowly dies out.
And then there is the looming threat of dying at any moment because I’m a fragile organism that can die even while sleeping. That terrifies me to no end. Just suddenly not existing. And yes I have watched motivational videos advocating for why we shouldn’t fear death. I’m not buying it.
There are more or less accepted theories in psychology that fear of death is ultimately the basis for all our fears. Fear of being left alone is a result of evolution telling us we will die without a community. Fear of failure because we would get cast out, hence being alone and dying without the communuty etc. The hypothesis is that once you accept death as an inevitable part of life, the path leading there will be much more enjoyable.
What I find interesting is that you are saying you dont enjoy life but are afraid of dying. If life isnt enjoyable, would disappearing really make a difference? (genuine question)
We experience the world through lenses that our brain programmed through our experiences. I think the extent to which one enjoys life deoends heavily on how that persons brain ‘expects’ life to be enjoyed. If your opinion is that life is generally not that great, you wont experience the different joys it brings. In some cases, our brains can be ‘tricked’ very easily. For example, when you have a hiccup, tell yourself ‘hiccups arent real’ like you really believe it. The hiccup will go away within seconds. What Im trying say is if you tell yourself that you are enjoying some things and that life is great, eventually that will become your new reality. The trick behind motivational videos/speeches/coaches is that you receive the information from another person. If you believe that person is telling the truth in saying life is great, your brain may adopt to that. Telling it to yourself is way more efficient though because your brain is already you, but it obviously seems stupid talking yourself into things you dont believe.
Of course clinical depression is a different matter and needs professional care.
If life isnt enjoyable, would disappearing really make a difference?
I think I wouldn’t mind being dead, as I couldn’t feel anything anyways. But existing and then suddenly not even knowing I don’t exist sounds very scary. When I forget what I was thinking about a few seconds ago, at least I know that I did forget about something. I think the fear stems from the fact that no one can even imagine how death feels like. Sleeping or being in a coma isn’t even close as it feels like a time skip.
I imagine being anesthesized could feel similar, as the consciousness fades away and thats what we use/need for experiencing life.
But then you wake up right away. You weren’t conscious for hours bu for you it felt instant. We really can’t image it.
Yeah I think its just that minus the waking up again part. Probably just nothing. But yeah noone can know for certain.
it’s a very lovely and special dark moon tonight; the second new moon in the month! when it happens with the full moon it’s a blue moon. happy you got a clear view!
Great pain, or an inability to find lasting reprieve from pain. The former is obvious, the latter can be something like the following:
Suppose by whatever circumstance you were you, but I fiddled with the way your brain works. Now when something small upsetting happens it lingers for long time, while something good is only experienced in a muted and brief fashion. Over time this twists your expectations, each day is like 90% feeling bad regardless of what happened and no matter what you tell yourself about the smallness of the bad thing the feeling remains.
You can be on holiday in a beautiful place but the thought that keeps coming to mind is that you aren’t as comfortable as in your own bed.
you stop sleeping right, you stop eating right because all food tastes equivalently meh. Your hobbies stop holding interest, successes stop feeling rewarding, but that pain from knowing you’re now boring and your friends pity and resent you? Fresh as ever.
i don’t enjoy constantly suffering, maybe the constantly suffering has something to do with it.
the fleeting good does not make up for the deluge of bad
From my personal experience, I attempted to end my life twice but couldn’t go through with it. Somehow, I managed to break free from that dark cycle, and now I’m happy and kicking. I believe that if people struggling with similar thoughts can find the strength to wait patiently, they might eventually break out of that loop too.
I’ve also noticed that individuals with goals or ambitions often seem less affected by depression. Some people are naturally more emotional than others, and many of the challenges people face today aren’t as difficult as they might seem at the time.
You are the dog surrounded by fire saying “This is fine”.
I’m in too much pain right now to locate the image.
Idk. I feel empty inside. I don’t really feel joy. I don’t really feel sadness either. I just kinda persist. There are things I want to do. I don’t have the mental strength to do them regularly. Or like at all. Usually I tell myself that’s because I’m tired after the day/week. But deep down I know that this is not it. Or at least not the main reason. I don’t really do anything even during holidays. Every day feels the same. I know that this isn’t good for me, but I don’t care. I don’t worry about the future. Society is fundamentally broken, and always was/will be. I just go with the flow
…
Most people just do not think entirely rationally. Take anything that most people believe - obviously religion, but also their favorite sports team, car brand, dare I say linux distro - it’s probably irrational on some level. Instead people believe what they want to believe.
But why would someone want to see their own life as miserable? Perhaps part of it is who we want to be. Most people want to see themselves as having overcome some sort of adversity to earn whatever they have in life, and that creates a bias to see one’s own life as unlucky and miserable. I definitely went through a phase of seeing my life this way as a kid. Now I try, when I remember, to focus on what’s been lucky and not adverse in my life. And there’s definitely plenty in that regard.
Most people want to see themselves as having overcome some sort of adversity to earn whatever they have in life, and that creates a bias to see one’s own life as unlucky and miserable. I definitely went through a phase of seeing my life this way as a kid.
This is your own bias speaking, you assume most people are just like you and that your own personal experience is universal.
Although I do have a massive ego.
No shit
Don’t worry. You’re not seeing yourself above others, you’re just only seeing yourself.
Depression is one answer. Anhedonia is another. Not having agency in ones life. War, starvation, malice, indifference.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you are happy, but you sound like someone who have lived a sheltered, privileged life.
had depression once but I sent it away shortly.
I don’t think that was depression lol
Username checks out
Maybe they meant ‘was depressed once’ ^^
“I’m done with these sad emotions. NEXT!”
Old mate at work was a rough, tough, hard drinking, hard fighting type.
One day someone was whingeing about a difficult job. Old mate turns to him and says:
“This whole thing is a miracle. All of it. In the whole universe this should just be more empty space, and yet here you are, complaining about whatever. None of us have to be here. Enjoy it.”
It was super out of character for him but he was right.
