'Uber for Armed Guards' Rushes to Market Following the Assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO
gizmodo.com
Are you scared to walk down the streets of NYC and also have too much money? There's an app for that.

Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.

Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.

Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.

The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.

Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.

  • oakey66@lemmy.worldEnglish
    7·
    3 days ago

    What a dystopian nightmare we live in right now. Remember when politicians told us we have choices in our healthcare? I guess it says something that insurance CEOs are so hated that they need armed body guards and we’re so happy about “all our choices”.

  • SocialMediaRefugee@lemmy.worldEnglish
    15·
    2 days ago

    The modern aristocracy must be hunted in their native habitats. They are commonly found in walled communities, exclusive islands (i.e. Martha’s Vineyard), exclusive neighborhoods (i.e. Santa Monica, Beverly Hills), luxury stores (i.e. Hermes) and trendy nightclubs. Set up your hunting blind in or just outside of their habitat. Make sure to camouflage it well using native materials like designer labels, advertisements and invitations to political contribution dinners. Use a call to attract them. One that works well is “Annual bonus! Annual bonus!”, “Union forming! Union forming!” or waving a golden parachute. Bait traps also work well such as a pile of designer handbags and the keys to a Bentley.

  • aceshigh@lemmy.worldEnglish
    101·
    2 days ago

    Sounds like admitting guilt. Those who hire the goons know they are shitty people. Living with self hate must be a bitch.

    • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      2·
      2 days ago

      Eh, I don’t think everyone interested in this service are necessarily bad people. There are a lot of internet celebrities that would really rather not deal with crazy fans that this would be perfect for, as in, not rich enough to have their own chauffeurs, but famous enough to make going out on your own a real pain.

  • kingthrillgore@lemmy.mlEnglish
    21·
    2 days ago

    Imagine how funny it will be when someone red teams the endpoints and get all their client’s active locations in a JSON

    • Echo Dot@feddit.ukEnglish
      3·
      1 day ago

      Buy a few drones and you could automate the assassination process for maximum efficiency.

  • KeenFlame@feddit.nuEnglish
    34·
    2 days ago

    Ah. So civilian mercs can be bought by corpos for a raid at a moments notice. Great. What’s the patchnotes for the resistance movement again? Oh yeah. Removed the ability to communicate cryptographically. Our only tool. Thanks devs

    • AutistoMephisto@lemmy.worldEnglish
      11·
      2 days ago

      Removed the ability to communicate cryptographically. Our only tool.

      Not entirely. The old methods still work. I’m talking about old fashioned pen and paper. OTP ciphers and dead drops. Messages, hidden where only the intended recipient knows it’s there. The problem is, there’s no dead drops in cyberspace. There’s no place one can leave a hidden message that can’t be seen by others in cyberspace. And while quantum computing might break OTP, it’s too expensive to use for that purpose.

      There’s a certain artistry to the old ways. Invisible inks, dead drops, One-Time-Pads, and the like. Cryptography existed long before computers. Those who would be our rulers have bent so much of their energies towards preventing our communicating in cyberspace that they’ve neglected those of us who studied the pre-Information Age methods. And we can still use them. A guy walks by a trash can, and throws away a seemingly innocuous food wrapper, and a couple hours later another guy goes and collects it, knowing that there is a message written on it in ink that can be revealed with the use of heat and lemon juice. If their intent is to return the USA to the “good ole days”, then let’s use the spy tricks from the “good ole days”.

  • Hackworth@lemmy.worldEnglish
    17·
    2 days ago

    Going for a shadow run to the grocery store. Don’t forget to pick up a decker to bypass the ice.

  • Tarquinn2049@lemmy.worldEnglish
    9·
    3 days ago

    Are you worried people with guns might try to take your money? Why take chances? You should hire these people with guns who will for sure take your money.

  • x00z@lemmy.worldEnglish
    18·
    2 days ago

    Lmao they mimic the camera footage of the CEO murder for their promotional image.