They have never been to school. They’ve never said anything about wanting to read. But when they have to read something, they pretend they forgot their glasses or smth like that. They’re insecure about it. I feel sad for them. That said, they’re pretty stubborn. What can I possibly do to convince them to try learning?
Why do you want to convince them to learn? I mean this as an open question and not as an indirect criticism. If you convince them to learn and then they learn, what does that get you?
(EDIT: No, really, this is not an indirect criticism. I would like to understand OP’s motivation better in order to offer better advice. That’s it.)
(EDIT: I didn’t look closely enough, so I didn’t notice that I was replying to someone else and not OP. Oops. I’ll wait for OP to reply. Comments withdrawn.)
Believe it or not, some people are truly selfless sometimes.
Sigh.
Can you imagine a universe in which asking the questions I asked is in fact a way of gathering more information with the goal of helping, instead of indirectly criticizing OP and doubting the sincerity of their intentions?
What if I thought this might be a common reaction, then brought that into the open in the middle of my questions? Would that help?
Their motivation can be as simple as “I want to”.
I’m not really sure what you’re hoping to achieve with this line of questioning?
I know what it can be, but I don’t know what it is. When I know more, I can offer more helpful advice.
For example, if their motivation really is as simple as “I want to”, then quite frankly, their relative has no obligation to give OP what they want by letting OP help. And trying to force that on their relative seems risky and invites failure. This is known as “inflicting help” and is a very common source of friction in relationships.
That’s why I’m asking.
I’m not OP, I just read the post.
I did not notice that, so that’s my mistake. Sorry.
It helps another human being in a significant way isn’t that good enough
I guess you didn’t believe me. Pity.
Why are you questioning the motivation behind someone trying to do a selfless act? An act that could even be described as altruistic. How does knowing OP’s motivation helps you and OP convince their relative?
I’m just asking questions so I can help you help OP.
I’m asking, not doubting. Nuances matter here. I want to know more about what’s going on in OP’s mind and heart, because that informs strategies for helping.
You can also shove your sarcasm straight up your ass. I’ll wait.
I asked how so
The answer to that question fills a bookshelf. Jerry Weinberg’s Secrets of Consulting could be a good start. Another would be Edward Deci’s Why We Do What We Do.
And you’re assuming that “convincing” is going to be an effective strategy here. I’m not so sure.
Even with the “worst” motivation, why couldn’t OP apply the “best” strategy towards helping?
Which strategy is “best”? How would you know?
And, once again for you and everyone in the back, I’m not trying to grade OP’s motivation. Motivations are motivations. I’m not interested in good or bad, but rather more or less likely to actually help.
Just use your interpretation of best when you said “better” advice in your original comment. Seems like the metric towards “best” is “more likely to actually help”.
Also, you can give a few example of motivations that would end up with the strategies most likely to actually work. Maybe OP didn’t think of these motivations themselves, but they would adopt when you state them out loud for us.
But coming back to my main point, I still don’t see how the motivation could dictate strategies most likely to help.
Let me see whether I understand.
I could make a handful of guesses about OP and their situation, and then use those guesses to write hundreds or even thousands of words, some of which might help and many of which wouldn’t. On the contrary, some of them could be downright damaging, depending on a bunch of factors I don’t know about OP, their relative, and the relationship between them.
Or I could ask some questions and wait for the answers, then narrow my suggestions to those that, given that additional context, are more likely to help.
I’m trying to help one person, not write a chapter of a book.
You’re assuming that a strategy that is most likely to help on average for spherical relatives in a vacuum couldn’t be damaging in some situations. I’m telling you it can, because I’ve witnessed it, so I’d like to avoid that here.
Even the advice you seemed to side with in another thread (Offer help once, be as sincere as you can, then shut up and wait for them to come to you.) is quite decent advice, but might not address OP’s desire to help and OP might struggle to truly let go and shut up and wait. Many many people struggle with that. “Just do this thing that sounds simple, but might cause you to ruminate about this indefinitely and build up resentment” sounds risky and invites failure.
As for this:
You said that. I told you that the answer fills a bookshelf. I suggested two books to start. I totally understand if you don’t care enough about the answer to read a book. I guess you could ask an LLM to summarize one of those books for you, in case that would be more palatable to you.
And yes, I know that this sounds evasive. I genuinely don’t mean it that way. I don’t have a 50-word answer for you that distills decades of research into why people choose to do what they do, such as OP’s relative choosing not to learn to read. They might not understand it at all themself.
It’s fine with me if we disagree on this point. Indeed, I don’t need to convince you. I’d like to help OP and I’m not much concerned about justifying my methods to you. If you’re actually interested, read the Deci book. I really liked it.
I’ve had enough of this discussion, so I’m going to stop. Peace.
I will note here that I have tried earnestly to ask OP questions that would help me offer better advice than the generic slop I could offer without knowing more about the situation.
Knowing that OP might not trust me enough yet and might assume that my questions were expressing indirect doubts about their motivation, I emphasized that I’m not criticizing them, but asking genuine questions in order to gather information with which to help more effectively.
Subsequently, more than one person has doubted my motivations for asking these questions and already some seem unwilling to take my answers at face value.
See? Maybe it’s not as simple as “But I want to help!” I want to help and some of you seem really suspicious both of my intentions and my methods before even giving OP the opportunity to answer my first question.
Now maybe OP’s relative would feel similarly about being approached to learn to read.
🤷