A big fear of having children, while simultaneously knowing I want at least one child for sure. I know that there is never a correct time, but man, my job situation is shitty with no end in sight. A child brings the possibility that I might have to work minimum wage in the future, because academia might spit me out. The free market seems to auto-reject me since two years and unfortunately my qualification is kind of a nieche. I fear the dependance on others a child brings and the lingering disappointment in a lot of people. The friedships it will cost, because some are hardcore childfree or there is only so much time in a day. I fear the criticism it will bring and the sleepless nights. I fear all of this and more but still want it so bad it kind of tears me appart sometimes.