I saw that other post about worst dates and honestly can’t relate since I’ve never dated anyone, I just wanted to know if I was the only one here. That’s it, you don’t have to go deeper if you don’t want to
Maybe I will one day once I have anything to offer in a relationship
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I’m 30-ish, and started to get into a few dates just this year.
I’m not sure why it has taken so long. Maybe it’s because of social anxiety that has taken long time learning how to manage.
I haven’t been on a particularly good date yet though.
What made you decide to start dating if you hadn’t done so prior? If you don’t mind me asking. I’m also 30 and haven’t ever dated really so I was just curious.
I don’t believe I could be a good partner. I abandon anything the instant it loses novelty. There is no way I could naturally perform my role in a relationship every day. I may even be the kind of person who would start cheating if they got a taste for relationships but couldn’t commit to a person. I’d rather not open that box of possibilities. It’s easier to be my impulsive self alone.
The idea of being in a relationship scares me. I grew in a house where my parents had fights, sometimes violent but most times quiet and tense. My sister has had a few relationships where she had to physically take a gun away from her boyfriend. My closest aunty has an on/off relationship with her boyfriend. And, the rest of my family, with the exception of one or two of my aunts and uncles, are all either single or having relationship issues.
Who’s to say that I won’t be roped into that? I still have nightmares about the fights that still happen to this day. I cower everytime I hear someone raise their voice and I retreat back to my room whenever I feel that tension. I don’t want my future spouse to go through something like that so I’d rather just stay alone.
I’m married and have two sons. Didn’t need a single Date…
Was your marriage arranged, or how did it otherwise come about?
Because since my early teens I had to babysit 2 adults in a loveless marriage. My mother is the most vicious human I personally know. She is the definition of a sociopath and narcissist. Every day of my life has felt like being on the receiving end of a Karen’s tantrum. Of course nobody knows about that, because the second a 3rd party like a friend or a stranger enters the situation, she acts like an angel with all the nice smiles and politeness we never get to see. My father is on one hand afraid of her and on the other hand still stuck in the fantasy of having a functioning and traditional family. I can’t leave them alone, because somebody will literally die if I do. We already had arguments where police had to get involved, and guess on which side the police ended up being on? After those particularly bad arguments I literally had to cook my own food or order take-out because I didn’t want to find out what mashed potatoes with fertilizer or rat poison tastes like. I have to be there and act as a witness to every argument because my mother already has shown that she will confidently twist reality to present herself as a victim to authorities. My father isn’t exactly a saint either so she has enough to hold legaly over his head.
My mother has completely ruined any woman’s image in my eyes. You know how most men end up with a woman that resembles their mother? Well, I’m so afraid of this happening that every time I meet another girl my brain goes on high alert looking for any similarities. And I always find some, which completely shuts me down emotionally towards this person. That’s how it’s been all my life. Now I’m to old to be in my first real relationship, because partners expect you to be reasonably well put together and emotionally stable, which I am not. I’ve long accepted my fate of life long loneliness as long I can keep my family drama contained.
I’m what would generally be described as ‘damaged goods’. That’s why I voluntarily keep myself far away from women. On that note though, I’m great with men, I can meet a total stranger and have him belly laughing and inviting me to their birthday party within the first 20 minutes. I treat women exactly the same, but they neither share a man’s humor, nor their common interests. Which works great for me, because I don’t have to show any romantic interest, neither does a woman ever see me in a romantic way. I get along ‘OK’ with women and that’s enough for me to make it through the day. Not that it really matters, as of this writing, the last time I’ve had an eye-to-eye with a woman (excluding cashiers, receptionists or my mother) was maybe a month ago.
It’s not like I’m completely numb to affectionate emotions. I still feel the effects of loneliness and isolation like anybody else would. But well… it is what it is. If anything, I try to educate my married friends on a relationships effect on a child’s development before they decide to have any themselves. Preventing a single child from going through the same shit I have to experience daily, is for me already a life well lived.
If there’s one thing I could say to my younger self it would be ‘I’m sorry this happened to you.’
Genuine question, why not just walk away?
Like, it doesn’t solve the mental issues you’re already dealing with because of the years of trauma, but like, it seems like step one of healing would be to remove yourself from the situation, no?
Like, tell your dad he should probably get out, because you’re not gonna be there to play witness to keep him out of jail anymore, and then pop deuces?
I’ve tried, but there are multiple reasons.
First, I have literally less than zero money. I’ve been in education almost all my life because people always told me that after [insert degree] you will have infinite options and a good job. Well that doesn’t really work if you’re grades are always shit and you need 9 years for a 6 year degree. Its almost impossible to sell yourself during job hunting if almost every class has a barely passing grade. I also have zero to none work experience. In my country minimum wage is not enough to support yourself, and I don’t qualify for unemployment checks. I’ve tried to find a job with my dogshit engineering bachelor’s for 6 months, 100+ applications, nothing. Starting an apprenticeship pays even less than minimum wave. I’m already falling behind on my masters degree, while hustling on the side. I barely manage living paycheck to paycheck. All this while stuck living in my parents house.
Second, I got nowhere to go. I’m an immigrant, there are no relatives I could go to, all my friends have their own families so I can’t couch surf, renting is to expensive. I would be fine with being homeless, but I got adult responsibilities now, that require residence.
Third, I’ve once been away for a few months, my dad almost cheated on my mom during this time but that’s beside the point. That’s probably the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life (granted it was peak Covid). There were times I haven’t left my dorm for days. I had to apologize to people for my voice cracks, because I’ve literally haven’t spoken a word out loud in days. I do not naturally seek out engagement, neither do people particularly miss my presence. I don’t want to leave because the speck of social life I have is tethered to my family or friends in my city. Sure I get along with strangers fairly well, but it’s all a facade, it’s learned behavior that I picked up through the years so I don’t get punched in the head for looking at somebody the wrong way (I apparently have a very ‘punchable’ face). I’m very carefull who I call a ‘friend’, and even then, the reason my friends are my actual friends is because we don’t talk about topics like this.
My way of living has really thought me to give others the benefit of the doubt, because nobody can ever tell at a glance what going on in a persons life. If somebody is being a dick to me I try not to be a dick back, because I don’t know whats going on behind the curtain. If somebody seems happy, I’m always asking ‘Are they really?’. This way I’ve never had a road rage incident, I’ve never got screamed at twice. I’m really good at disarming conflicts, which is an almost useless skill in day to day life.
That all sounds like it sucks, but I don’t think it’s as hopeless as I’m sure it feels.
Obviously this is just a snapshot into your life, and I’m sure there are more details under the hood, like what exact “adult responsibilities” and stuff you’ve got going on. That said, even in this text I think you’ve outlined a good bit of good stuff you’ve got going on.
First, I don’t know why you think conflict deescalation isn’t an absolutely in demand skill. Every job under the sun has conflict, and being able to manage that is huge. Even within Engineering, you could put that to huge use as a Sales Engineer or some other customer facing technical role.
Second, you got your bachelor’s in an engineering discipline. You can poo-poo your grades all you want, but at the end of the day you succeeded. No mean feat my man. That’s worth celebrating.
Finally, if you’re simply looking for a way out, there are institutions that are always looking for technical people. Obviously this is gonna vary a lot by country, so ymmv, but the government/military is always in need of people in technical roles, and rarely are able to fill them. It probably doesn’t pay nearly what a “normal” engineering job would, but it’d be more than an internship, and it would give you some of that structured camaraderie that you previously felt the lack of when trying to leave.
All that to say, don’t give up hope my guy. I know I’m just some schmuck on Lemmy of all places, but I think you’re capable of breaking out and getting to a better place.
You got this!
Yeah, I hope things will get better in the future.
adhd, bullied endlessly since grade school, chronically ill, that chronic illness was unknown therefore mismanaged til high school, intense anxiety, general fear of people…
I’m sure there’s more reasons, but those are the ones that come to mind
Technically I’ve been on a couple of dates because friends convinced me that I have to try. I got panic attacks. It felt that I have to perform well to show others that I can do dating, but at the same time I didn’t really want to be there.
So to clarify, I have multiple sisters. Two of which I hang out with frequently. I have 0 issues approaching, talking to, or hanging out with women or other people in general. I have some very real Issues relating to mental health that I wouldn’t share with any potential partner in a quintillion years.
I don’t know how to talk to people, and I never understand what others want or how they think
I’m young and this is part of the reason why I’m not on dating apps and stuff yet, but I’m shy at making friends so I don’t think going on dates would be magically better
also I never met anyone who is as interested as I am in at least one of my hobbies, I don’t even know if I can talk about that in case I meet someone, because normally no one is interested so I don’t talk about it
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Archie Gates: You’re scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you’re scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That’s a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That’s the way it works.
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You at least did something for a while, I’m still at step 0 and don’t see that changing anymore, especially at my age.
Never felt like it literally.
We don’t really have dates in my culture. Either we like each other and hookup or we don’t. So when you finally go to the restaurant or whatever, it is with someone you already know and not a total stranger.
But I’m referring to IRL meetups, where you meet people during social events like a party, going to a bar etc (I do that as an introvert that loves being alone, I just don’t go out every night).
I’ve never tried apps like Tinder so maybe the first rendez-vous could be considered a date. I don’t know and don’t plan to discover it.
What’s your culture?
French (from France and Switzerland)
Don’t bother with tinder, they want your money first and it won’t work unless you’re a 7 or more. We’re European neighbours btw (less than 1000 km)
People suck.
