Asking because I remember telling my mom I wanna kms and she got upset and told me she regret giving birth to me.
Later when confronted, she told me she only said it because she was angry, that she didn’t mean it.
Nowadays she tells me she loves me (I mean she always told me she loved me, but then there are a lot of memories of me getting yelled at… so idk… wtf), that everyone in my family loves me (really mom? pretty sure my brother hates me to death).
Bipolar much?
(Pls don’t spam comments with “see a therapist”, working on it… healthcare system sucks to navigate)
One time I said, “I wish you were never born”.
Then I woke up, remembered I have never had children, I’ve never had a wife/girlfriend, and I never planned on having children.
Plot twist, that actually happened but then you time travelled lol.
I actually wanna see the timeline which I wasn’t born and see if my mom was happier. Maybe I was the issue lol.
It sucks thinking that way but I totally get it. I’ve been aware since I was like 15 or so that my mother only had me because my older sister was a marital rape baby. She told me this directly… she was a shit parent and clearly hated doing it, but she genuinely never intended to do it in the first place, and used protection religiously when not being forced (clearly; she had my sister at 31 in the 80s and was catholic so no abortion). Then they just sort of decided to have another so the first wouldn’t be alone… wish they hadn’t. Sister and I haven’t spoken in almost 20 years now.
That knowledge has been an albatross most of my life. But she died in my early 20s so I can’t even get closure about it now that I know I want it. Just have to let it go. Nothing can be done about it anyway, choices were made, consequences shook out.
Omg my mom said this to be. She expected me and my older brother to become friends. Guess who the fuck caused my earliest traumatic memory?
Bruh… I wasn’t even supposed to be born 😭 [China, One Child Policy]