Asking because I remember telling my mom I wanna kms and she got upset and told me she regret giving birth to me.
Later when confronted, she told me she only said it because she was angry, that she didn’t mean it.
Nowadays she tells me she loves me (I mean she always told me she loved me, but then there are a lot of memories of me getting yelled at… so idk… wtf), that everyone in my family loves me (really mom? pretty sure my brother hates me to death).
Bipolar much?
(Pls don’t spam comments with “see a therapist”, working on it… healthcare system sucks to navigate)
Honestly, no, I can’t really say I have. I’m also not someone who loses my temper very easily and when I do I never start screaming or shouting.
I have said some things I immediately regretted.
Either from being frustrated with their behavior, or because I didn’t realize how hurtful my joke sounded until I heard it come out my mouth.
I wasn’t great at it at first, but I actively worked on making sure that I took responsibility for what I said and apologized.
I’ve called one of my kids a jerk and said he was being annoying. I think that’s the extent of verbal abuse.
I mean, kids are sponges. Leave them water or piss, they’ll soak it all up.
Unfortunately yes. I’m prone to depression and have been treated for it for over 20 years. About two years ago I was in a particularly bad way (near suicidal) and in my ranting and wailing, one of my family members asked to please think of my son, who was about 13 at the time. I answered “too late, I already fucked him up”, which was in no way meant as a reflection on him, only on myself. But he heard it, and I’m afraid I broke something in him that day that I’ve never been able to repair.
It’s one of my greatest regrets in life. I would do anything to reverse it.
Have you said it to him? That this was a mistake? You should, and there’s nothing that can be bad about this - either he knows this were just words, or you will make it clear that it was said when you didn’t think you can do thinks right (including raising kids)
From myself: I have two kids, and I’ve said harsh things to them a few times (I am sometimes too emotional and impulsive - I can scream something I will regret later in a middle of an argument). Talking helps, it really does, as I feel that me and my kids - “we’re good”.
I think it’s important to do a full analysis of what happened, with them:- an apology: “whatever were the reasons, you are hurt, and you shouldn’t be hurt”
- I did it because I was said/angry about this and that. Not in a “defense mode” (see previous bullet point, I am not saying I’m right), but just to explain that some people get sad or angry, and say shit, as I did
It becomes clear what I did wrong, why (helps if they want to see how they could do better, but I’m not emphasizing they need to correct themselves - that would be victim blaming) but that I love them. And the very conversation shows how we can talk about our issues in general.
I have a toddler, and yes, I have accidentally yelled at her in the heat of a meltdown and said things way more harshly than I should have. It’s usually after the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th meltdown of a long day and I finally crack.
However, that’s no excuse. It’s my job as the parent to be emotionally regulated. Children (especially young children) are physically incapable of regulating their emotions, so that is my responsibility to be their missing fully-developed frontal lobe. This is one of many responsibilities you are signing up for having children.
Everyone has their breaking point. We are all human. But as a parent, if you feel yourself at your limit you need to shut your mouth and step away from the situation (if possible) and collect yourself.
I’ll be honest, parenting (correctly) is very difficult, and it’s common to have passing thought or regret when things get really hard. I’ve been there a few times, but I have never, and couldn’t imagine saying something that cruel to my daughter. Even if she was being willfully spiteful or vindictive, I still love her to her core and I am endlessly grateful she is in my life.
I’m not sure how old you are, but my best advice is to try not to take that comment too personally. When she said that, it wasn’t actually about you. It was about her, her choices, and her struggle to manage the consequences of those choices.
I’ve hardly ever said anything I “didn’t mean” in anger, but I wish I was better at knowing when they get the point. Sometimes I feel like they don’t really get it unless I drive the point home to a crazy degree, but when I go one bit too far it fucking sucks and I hate myself.
Not a direct answer to your question, but people misspeak all the time, so there’s no reason that wouldn’t apply to their children. However, hurtful things are still hurtful, so “I didn’t mean it” is more of a statement of fact than a get out of jail free card.
I have regrettably called one of my kids stupid on occasion because I was very mad. Apologized later, told her I didn’t mean it but that I wanted to say it was a stupid thing to do. Not that she was stupid.
You can do some offsetting of that by telling her frequently that she’s smart. It takes something like 50 compliments to create an impact similar to 1 denigrating comment. The negative comment won’t ever be erased from their mind, but with 50 positive compliments you can put a similar level of good inner monologue into their head that will refute the bad voice from the insult.
50-to-1
Idk. My mom keeps telling me she loves me. But I keep having doubts if its genuine. I still can’t forget that day. I got very self destructive after she told me she regretted giving birth to me. It was during covid, I made a conscious choice to skip the 2nd dose of the vaccine that I was scheduled for. I wasn’t brave enough to kill myself, so the next best thing was to intentionally allow myself to get infected with a virus and die. My plan failed, I didn’t die :/
I think she told me she loves me like 1000 times by now. I wanna love her back, but I can’t. I love who she used to be. But I don’t know if I can anymore… it wasn’t the first time I got told something so depressing like that, but that time broke me. She wasn’t there when I needed her the most. Cause me years of downward spiral.
I just constantly retreat to the comfort of my childhood memories, at least of the time when we were happy together. Battle scars last forever. I’m hiding in a castle of memories, hiding from the scars, when there’s the reality of war right outside. Even in this castle of memories, there is a dungeon right below the castle, that I just lock away and pretend there is not monster right under there, the monster of childhood trauma. I just hide in a section of this realm that’s safe, I’m don’t wanna leave this castle, not the dungeon to fight the monster. Nor outside to fight the war. Just in this castle of happiness, forever.
From the child’s perspective, that those harmful things don’t really go away.
(Not talking about the commeter’s situation specifically, just ranting)
Your specific situation you will have to handle yourself (with a help of therapist and / or friends of course).
However I read a quote from therapist who also happened to be a father. It goes something like that:
It is impossible to not hurt and scar your children. Parents are only humans. And parenting is really really really hard. We crack some times. (Note some parents hurt and scar their kids way worse than the others. Also some parents are worse at being parents and some are just evil, etc…)
A kid is grown up at the time they learn to forgive their parents for their mistakes.
(Or even make peace with abuses if it was really bad)
As a parent or a person you cannot stop making mistakes. The only thing you can do is to apologize. It seems to me your mom did that. The rest is on you - to forgive her for this mistake. (There might be something deeper going on in your family - I am replying with the context I have)
If you need someone to talk to, you can DM me. However I will be replying when I have time ~ once a day.
All i can say is i read and heard what you wrote. And I’m sorry that you’re going through this
I like it. Should be far ahead on that. She’s a smart cookie and she knows it. We tell her at least daily. Unfortunately she likes to use her smarts against people which is a regular reason to tell her she’s smart and not to abuse that to hurt her siblings or trick her friends at school.
I’ve learned most people have no control. And life as it’s projected and taught from birth really isn’t what life is like. Nobody tells the truth of what existence really is.
…and a lot of people have kids before they ever tune in to their existence and understand it, nevermind the reality that surrounds them outside their extreme microcosms. It’s sad.
Not many people really mean to live as they do. Many of us are not able to be who we are supposed to be due to the way the structure of our society and systems work.
Nothing quite that severe, but anger fueled tirades happen.
One time I said, “I wish you were never born”.
Then I woke up, remembered I have never had children, I’ve never had a wife/girlfriend, and I never planned on having children.
Plot twist, that actually happened but then you time travelled lol.
I actually wanna see the timeline which I wasn’t born and see if my mom was happier. Maybe I was the issue lol.
It sucks thinking that way but I totally get it. I’ve been aware since I was like 15 or so that my mother only had me because my older sister was a marital rape baby. She told me this directly… she was a shit parent and clearly hated doing it, but she genuinely never intended to do it in the first place, and used protection religiously when not being forced (clearly; she had my sister at 31 in the 80s and was catholic so no abortion). Then they just sort of decided to have another so the first wouldn’t be alone… wish they hadn’t. Sister and I haven’t spoken in almost 20 years now.
That knowledge has been an albatross most of my life. But she died in my early 20s so I can’t even get closure about it now that I know I want it. Just have to let it go. Nothing can be done about it anyway, choices were made, consequences shook out.
Then they just sort of decided to have another so the first wouldn’t be alone… wish they hadn’t. Sister and I haven’t spoken in almost 20 years now.
Omg my mom said this to be. She expected me and my older brother to become friends. Guess who the fuck caused my earliest traumatic memory?
Bruh… I wasn’t even supposed to be born 😭 [China, One Child Policy]
