Asking because I remember telling my mom I wanna kms and she got upset and told me she regret giving birth to me.
Later when confronted, she told me she only said it because she was angry, that she didn’t mean it.
Nowadays she tells me she loves me (I mean she always told me she loved me, but then there are a lot of memories of me getting yelled at… so idk… wtf), that everyone in my family loves me (really mom? pretty sure my brother hates me to death).
Bipolar much?
(Pls don’t spam comments with “see a therapist”, working on it… healthcare system sucks to navigate)
Idk. My mom keeps telling me she loves me. But I keep having doubts if its genuine. I still can’t forget that day. I got very self destructive after she told me she regretted giving birth to me. It was during covid, I made a conscious choice to skip the 2nd dose of the vaccine that I was scheduled for. I wasn’t brave enough to kill myself, so the next best thing was to intentionally allow myself to get infected with a virus and die. My plan failed, I didn’t die :/
I think she told me she loves me like 1000 times by now. I wanna love her back, but I can’t. I love who she used to be. But I don’t know if I can anymore… it wasn’t the first time I got told something so depressing like that, but that time broke me. She wasn’t there when I needed her the most. Cause me years of downward spiral.
I just constantly retreat to the comfort of my childhood memories, at least of the time when we were happy together. Battle scars last forever. I’m hiding in a castle of memories, hiding from the scars, when there’s the reality of war right outside. Even in this castle of memories, there is a dungeon right below the castle, that I just lock away and pretend there is not monster right under there, the monster of childhood trauma. I just hide in a section of this realm that’s safe, I’m don’t wanna leave this castle, not the dungeon to fight the monster. Nor outside to fight the war. Just in this castle of happiness, forever.
From the child’s perspective, that those harmful things don’t really go away.
(Not talking about the commeter’s situation specifically, just ranting)
Your specific situation you will have to handle yourself (with a help of therapist and / or friends of course).
However I read a quote from therapist who also happened to be a father. It goes something like that:
(Or even make peace with abuses if it was really bad)
As a parent or a person you cannot stop making mistakes. The only thing you can do is to apologize. It seems to me your mom did that. The rest is on you - to forgive her for this mistake. (There might be something deeper going on in your family - I am replying with the context I have)
If you need someone to talk to, you can DM me. However I will be replying when I have time ~ once a day.
All i can say is i read and heard what you wrote. And I’m sorry that you’re going through this