Asking for a friend. No seriously, I’m trying to figure out how to best explain this to a friend as I’m having trouble enumerating how I can do it.
as a new widower… im interested in these answers too. I actually asked a forever single coworker this same question and they couldn’t give me a proper answer.
Personally I think some people just prefer being single and some prefer to be in a relationship. It sucks im the latter because I dont want a relationship but im pretty sure I cant be happy without one.
Fuck my brain.
That’s basically the same response I’m getting from them and I want to help them out.
As a man, I think you can be somewhat fulfilled living a sort of monk-lite ascetic life, although it’s not for most. It goes like this, though, for both fulfilment and growth: good company >> no company > bad company. There’s no need to give up on getting the first option if you haven’t tried in earnest and with adequate knowledge, IMO.
It helps to step back and appreciate what you have (things and people). I try to follow up by verbalizing gratitude especially to those I love. Say “thank you” often and mean it etc. Even if I’m not happy, if I show outward appreciation for someone else I get happy. Happiness is a gift.
Also I try to treat myself like I’m my best friend. I check in often and reflect on what I might want/need to maintain tranquility. Happiness is a choice and a practice.
Great post.
Cats. Cats and some hobbies that i can do alone(gardening, cycling, baking). And cats.
Did i mentioned cats? And cats.
Have you leash trained your cats so they can garden with you? I’ve been trying but man is it a pain
My garden is all fenced up(as with all housing here in Malaysia) so i don’t have to worry about leash, just have to worry about the hole and tunnel they will dig through.
I’m not qualified, but something that might aid in your efforts is focusing on the flaws inherent in getting fulfillment from other people and the cycle of misery it can bring when it doesn’t pan out exactly as you intended. See: codependency. Obviously don’t phrase this like you won’t be there for them, but more just that they need to be there for themself too.
Quality self-care takes effort. Junk food, TV and masturbation are bad self care. Meditation, yoga, cleaning your space, study for career or philosophy are good self care.
Call me crazy but I’d argue that masturbation and sex-positivity is actually pretty damn important to learning how to be happy alone.
Being single doesn’t me an being a monk or depriving yourself of nice things.
Take yourself and friends out to dinner and movies, buy yourself and your family nice gifts, and yes, learn how to sexually satisfy yourself too without shame and negativity.
The idea that you can’t enjoy your sexuality without a partner is kind of depressing. Sex-positivity is empowering.
Sure. That was an early morning insomnia comment. Junk food, tv and masturbation are all fine in moderation but they can easily become a problem for many people who are stuck in a mental hole.
Not only is masturbation fine, it’s actually healthy. I think the problem here is pornography addiction – scrambles the brain and can lead to needing more and more graphic stimulation. I’m not blaming the actors, and im not saying it is all bad (in fact, I’m pro porn). Im just saying, like junk food and tv, pornography needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Meanwhile, masturbation is healthy in and of itself – whack or rub to your heart’s content.
Just wanna add that you can start with one of those. Doesnt have to be all at once. Cooking really is great tho and cheaper too.
Junk food, TV and masturbation all at once sounds like a challenge.
The evil version :D
For me, it’s just such a rare treat to have time to myself, so I like it. If you mean without a partner or family, I dunno either, I did enjoy being alone in that way too. I guess I think if you aren’t happy with yourself, you aren’t going to fix that by being with someone else.
If it’s literal loneliness, I would say make sure to build habits that involve others. Go to yoga class, don’t do it at home. Go get coffee every morning at the same local place. Walk your dog, sit on your front step. Get a job that isn’t done at home. Be in the world, don’t isolate yourself.
I’ll take a stab at this. Being happy by yourself is about finding contentment and satisfaction with your life that doesn’t depend on external validation or reinforcement.
The first step is always going to be finding things you like and that motivate you. You have to take care to check in with yourself and decide whether the things you are doing are motivated by habit, by social desire, or by your own desire. The things you are looking for are the ones that fall in the last category. You’ll have to be honest with yourself to figure those things out.
Second step is going to be constructing goals from some of those desires. Not everything you like will be worth making goals from, but think about how you can make those things better and more fulfilling for you. Do you want to get better at whatever it is, as a skill? Do you want to share the product of crafts with others? Do you want to make it easier and more accessible for yourself?Figure out if any if these desires or activities can evolve to be more.
Third is making changes in your lifestyle to match. Reorient your life to your motivations. Figure out how to balance working towards your goals and indulging your whims. This is where the happiness and contentment on your own should be. If you are doing things you love regularly, and working towards goals that you want to achieve, that should bring a sense of fulfillment and contentment that doesn’t rely on other people to support it.
I try to be happy with whatever happens and do not happen. Not just by being by myself. That’s the secret. At least, that’s mine.
I’ve happily been sharing my life with my spouse for 25 years and counting, I have a lifelong best friend (like a real best friend, since we were 14, now nearing our 60s) and I do enjoy meeting interesting people (provided they’re not the kind to be constantly sweating hate and anger toward the rest of the world) but, at the exact same time, I love being alone by myself. Meaning I never feel bored or lonely (there are too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them). I also don’t feel any need to always be in the company of people: I enjoy time for myself. But when I’m not alone I will do my best to enjoy the company, at least at small doses ;)
What does it mean “to be happy”?
For most people happiness is illusory and transient.
Usually, satisfaction and fulfillment is a better way to describe what you want.
I just spend a little time around other people. That usually does the trick.
Meditation.
I think the majority of people would not be happy for long, by themselves. Humans are pretty codependent by nature, for better or worse. Despite myself being a person who has discovered themselves to be much happier and healthier solo, I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that it’s pretty pointless to try to convince others of the merit.
It helped when I realized how miserable most people make me. Also that my concept of happiness involved community that I was never really a part of anyway. More like a pet.
I don’t at all claim to be wildly happy now, but I’m allowed to curious when I’m not around other people and sometimes that’s pretty close. The only thing I really look forward to is moments when I will be more free to indulge curiosity
Once I really really understood that there’s not a way it’s “supposed to be”, everything got a lot easier.
