You should still take some time for yourself. Always putting others’ needs before yours will burn you out.
This is not “others”. This is his son.
Unless he is Jesus, father and son are separate people :)
Harry Chapin My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talkin’ 'fore I knew it And as he grew, he’d say “I’m gonna be like you, Dad You know I’m gonna be like you”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon “When you comin’ home, Dad?” “I don’t know when But we’ll get together then You know we’ll have a good time then”
My son turned ten just the other day He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, c’mon let’s play Can you teach me to throw?” I said, “Not today I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s okay” And he, he walked away but his smile Never dimmed and said “I’m gonna be like him, yeah You know I’m gonna be like him”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you comin’ home, Dad? “I don’t know when But we’ll get together then You know we’ll have a good time then”
Well, he came from college just the other day So much like a man, I just had to say “Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?” He shook his head, and he said with a smile “What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys” “See you later, can I have them please?”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon “When you comin’ home, son?” “I don’t know when But we’ll get together then, Dad You know we’ll have a good time then”
I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away I called him up just the other day I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind” He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I could find the time” “You see, my new job’s a hassle and the kid’s got the flu” “But it’s sure nice talkin’ to you, Dad It’s been sure nice talkin’ to you”
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me He’d grown up just like me My boy was just like me
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you comin’ home, son? “I don’t know when But we’ll get together then, Dad We’re gonna have a good time then”
Written by: Harry F. Chapin, Marc Christian Gernert, Sandy Chapin, Andy Love
Album: Verities & Balderdash (US Release)
Released: 1974
My first thought, too :)
Not necessarily. I’m in my twenties, still asking, not planning on stopping any time soon.
I envy that relationship. My dad doesn’t even know my religious or political beliefs, let alone sharing a hobby. It’s not like we don’t talk, he just hears what he wants to hear, and he doesn’t want to hear anything where I know more than him (including my hobbies and my field)
Well, mine is dead, so at least you have that.
I lost my dad in my 30s and I still want to ask him to build stuff with me. My 6 year old would have loved to too, so I’m trying to take better care of myself than my dad did, so we have a lot longer together.
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Speak for yourself, my mom is a 10 ft tall bodybuilder
In 28 and I still make sure to pass out drunk around my parents so they never have to stop. Best kid ever.
Lol
This is legitimately my main fitness goal. I want to keep picking up mine as long as I can.
Who’s a good VP of Finance?
Dad this is an important board meeting
I thought we got away from Reddit?
I felt that way last night with my youngest who really wanted to read with me. We did and it was worth it
this post hurt me inside. Good Job.
My boy is almost 18 months.
I’m SO tired.
But it’s glorious.
You won’t remember that age, before you know it Take it in!
I got my first dog last year and this is me. Video games can wait cos my lil boy isn’t going to be around forever 😭
I’d give anything for more of those moments. My son is 21 now and barely acknowledges me anymore. I hope he comes around and it’s just a phase but I have my doubts. So good call on playing legos. You have a limited number of those as a dad.
My brother gifted lego to my mom this Christmas, if course I did lego with my mom at 29yo
My brother gifted lego to my mom this Christmas, if course I did lego with my mom at 29yo
My brother gifted lego to my mom this Christmas, if course I did lego with my mom at 29yo
I bet he ended the Lego session in a better mood than had he done what he thought he needed to do.
How does playing with Lego not constitute down time?
Monitoring and fostering a child’s emotions and development via play is mentally taxing. Playing Legos, although fun, isn’t exactly downtime.
ok but… lego
Doesn’t matter what you do. It’s still taxing.
You sound like you’ve never been an adult having to watch a child (offspring or not)
My thought exactly. Unless his mood was so bad he just felt like vegetating for a few hours.
Idk, probably just wanted a little alone time. Sometimes I need to be alone to decompress.
So I’ve literally played an ADHD-soothing shitty phone game on the couch while denying my son asking me to join him on Nintendo. One shuts my brain down to repair (and I usually end up picking up a controller after my mind is calm), while the other is active and engaging. Think about playing MP with your grown ass friends and getting frustrated. Imagine a kid.
(Yes… that’s not as chill as LEGO, but you’ve never seen my kid trying to follow LEGO instructions after a long day. Equally possible to not be chill)
I’m not looking forward to the day my friend’s daughter doesn’t want to do things with me anymore.
It’s wholesome but kinda sad at the same time…🥲
Cute but I can’t say I’d make that same move tbh. Kids are smart and can tell you’re upset just as much as you can tell they are. Granted I’m not a parent but I think I would have asked for 5-10 minutes so I could calm down and then make solid plans to play Lego as soon as I was done instead of forcing myself to play and then possibly getting frustrated at the kid just being a kid
I am a parent, and… that’s not how this works.
Your kid doesn’t hear “I need a few minutes to deal with my human feelings,” they hear “daddy is mad and doesn’t want to play with me.” They don’t have the emotional intelligence yet to understand that you’re a person, not just the mythic figure of parent that they see.
This is why the trope of daddy taking a minute alone on the toilet is A Thing.
On the upside, you’d be surprised how often you can destress precisely by being a kid with your kid, playing Legos and cuddling. Being a dad is hard, but it’s awesome.
I would have to disagree with you there.
Just this morning my oldest daughter who is almost 4 asked me to go to the basement before school and I said I would turn on the light and get it ready for her, but Daddy wanted to say for a few minutes on the couch.
She said “Ok dad, here’s bun bun (her comfort animal) so you can snuggle and feel better”. It was so selfless I went with her anyway and she said “Did you know I love you, dad?” On the way down the stairs and it was great.
But she was totally emotionally intelligent enough to say “daddy isn’t feeling good, I’d like to help him” and I think that starts MUCH earlier than people think.
Every situation is different with these kids, for sure. I think the OP is a good one, because sometimes stewing in your own juices isn’t what you need, and all you need is a kid to say hey let’s build Legos. I’m tired all the time these days, we are worked to death, our kids demand constant attention, and while we absolutely all need time to ourselves, it’s also good to just buck up sometimes and build some Lego, at least for me it is, it brings me out of the funk. Sometimes I end up sitting there building nonsense after my kids have gotten bored.
I’m all about mental health and needing to figure your shit out yourself sometimes, but I also think sometimes you need a push to get the gears moving.
But yeah, if they come and say I’m bored, and I need a minute, you’re gonna have to figure your shit out. But if you have a project and some focus, maybe I need a little focus as well, just a distraction with purpose.
Emotional intelligence varies, though. My two-year-old is remarkably observant and has stopped to ask Mommy or Daddy “You okay?” more than once when one of us was letting our distress show through.
Me, as an autistic pre-schooler? Fuck no, in retrospective I was my parents’ worst nightmare until I started being able to piece together social cues and link them to cause and effect. I don’t think I started figuring that shit out well into elementary school.
Those 5-10 minutes will cause most kids to move on to something else.
You’re getting downvoted unfairly here. Yes, it’s the “right” choice to maximize the time with your kids when you can as those moments will go by faster than we think they will, but it’s also not the wrong choice to make sure you take care of yourself. Every parent is going to make their own decisions, and nobody’s “doing it wrong” as long as the child is reasonably happy and healthy (to the extent uncontrollable forces allow). We’re all just getting along here.
I can say that I have frequently gone through this very situation with my kids, where I’ve had to tell myself that I won’t be able to have this kind of time forever. And it’s not that I actually didn’t want to do it — I wanted to do be around my kid and see them be their wonderful self. I almost always would come away with something they did that brought me joy. It’s just that with young kids, there’s so much stuff to deal with all the time, you always wish you had a bit more time purely for yourself.
But it’s sort of like when you go on a big vacation, and you venture out and fill every day with activities and adventure. Maybe some mornings you feel like just watching TV at the hotel after so many days of activities, but you power through it because there are things you still want to do, and this vacation will be over before you know it.
I hope you never plan on having kids. Kids come first, if you can’t put them before yourself and deal with your shit on your own time you’re only hurting them.
How would you feel if the person who’s watching them decided they couldn’t because they needed 10 minutes? It’s only acceptable for you since it’s your kid? Shit take.
There’s a wide distance between supervising a young child responsibly (which obviously must be done at all times) and engaging in play (which you should do when you can and you’ll be glad you did, but if you just don’t have it in you, it’s not a crime to sit quietly for a few minutes).
If you were paying someone to take care of your kid, you would be perfectly fine with them saying no when the kid asks to do something?
Parenting is a 24/7 job. You need to take your breaks while on the clock because you’re never off the clock. Paying someone for childcare services is a job with a start and end time. You can take your breaks before or after. The expectations are different because the jobs are different.
Parenting isn’t a 24/7 job who’s told you that? Most people have partners and you get breaks when your kid is sleeping, at school, and being cared for by others. If you can’t do it, you should be paying someone so you can get your break. Not neglecting your kids.
It’s not different, people just use it as an excuse to be terrible to their kids.
I’m living through this right now. I don’t need anyone else to tell me anything. My partner and I alternate on childcare while the other person handles other household duties and day job duties. Our parents come by regularly to help out and we use that time to catch up on sleep as best as we can. Paying for childcare doesn’t make sense as it just negates most of one person’s income. If I’m going to be working anyway and not resting, I’d much rather put that energy towards my kid and have less money than be away but have sightly more money.
I don’t think that’s really comparable, a parent isn’t being paid, a babysitter can choose not to babysit. And besides, it really depends on what the kid’s asking to do. I’ve definitely been told I can’t do things when I was being babysat.
Babysitting? Think more childcare services. You get what you pay for with babysitters.
Parents aren’t paid, but you should be putting in more effort than you expect from paid child care workers.
Don’t listen to the haters. Children learn from their parents and appreciate the amount and QUALITY of the time spent with them. Five minutes to collect yourself and heal from whatever in hurting you is not only healthy for you, it’s a great example to your child. And then you get to give them 100% of your attention. Some groups don’t understand this and I think that’s where a lot of anxiety stems from. You don’t have to give all of yourself to someone to show you love them.
It’s probably the way I wrote it but yes this is exactly what I was getting after. My own personal experience would have benefitted from this kind of behavior from my parents
“I did not enjoy this interaction with my child, but I am compelled by obligation in both my work life and my home life,” is not the wholesome message you think it is.
“I’m not feeling in the mood right now but I am aware that every moment is precious and pushing through this momentary feeling will result in a far greater feeling of happiness for both me and my child into our future when the opportunities to just play together become few and far between.”
Sometimes you have to look past the choice of words to see the message being conveyed. The point wasn’t that they were dreading playing with their child, it was that despite other factors in their life, they wanted to cherish the moment. And that is the wholesome message you think it is.
I mean you’re right, but even if you weren’t - it also is an obligation. Having a kid is signing up for way higher highs but also lower lows. Sometimes one of those lows is digging deep and being a good parent when you don’t feel like it. It’s the price for all the awesome times, like watching them put a new thought together or making you laugh with something completely original. It’s also an obligation in the sense that relationships of any type, not just parent child, take work, compromise, and realizing you’re not the center of the universe.
Brilliantly said. Chasing those “higher highs” can feel like an obligation at times. But I think it’s important to understand that it’s a feeling that is coming from yourself and your own deeper needs as a person. And not, as I believe the person I was replying to was thinking, some sort of societal pressure to conform and “do the right thing.”
Both interpretations of the word “obligation” are technically correct. But I think that it’s one of those things in life where the only way to truly understand the intended interpretation is to have been a parent for yourself. Somehow it can be both a great chore and burden sometimes, but it’s one you choose to put upon yourself because the rewards are sooooo worth it.
Selflessness is a virtue.
Then you don’t understand yourself or people. It’s not always about you. It’s about you accepting that shit sucks and people still give a shit about you.
I think I misunderstood your comment the first time I read it so I deleted my comment.
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As a parent myself, I love this. I feel that the single most important thing you can do as a parent is to actively tell (and show) your kids that you love them. Everything else can grow from there.
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