My girlfriend and I are planning to move in together in ~3 months.
I own a small apartment in Amsterdam, my mortgage, heating, water and electricity is about 2000 Euro a month, and I earn 30% more than she does.
Some context: Amsterdam is damn expensive and in an housing crisis, since living here she’s been paying about 1000/m to rent a room. Both of us earn quite well and money isn’t tight
What is a fair way to split costs? I’ve heard everything from she should live here for free because I was paying for everything anyway to we should split everything 50/50, and I’m not sure what is fair.
I don’t think 50/50 is fair, because the way I see it, I’m going to get back a fair amount of the money I pay to my mortgage when I sell the apartment.
So what is fair? My gut feeling is something like we split the heating, electricity, groceries etc. 50/50. And she pays say 500 Euro a month for living here (less than half what she’s used to paying in rent)
This is a discussion you should definitely have with your partner. My wife and I split things proportionally so I earn more and I pay more. We try and split so we each have some fun money every month.
You should split groceries/electricity and all that 50/50. The house is yours so she should not pay for it unless you actually both agree she should pay a monthly rent to live in your house. That to me would be correct. I am in a different situation as you as I bought the house with my wife and even tho I spent more because I had more money available I did not ask her extra money. Also keep in mind that wife is different than girlfriend. So since wife>girlfriend I honestly thing you should get to an agreement with your girlfirend and she should actually pay something for the rent and it should not be all on you.
I had my home before I met my ex and my current gf. Like you, I was used to paying for everything, but contributing makes people feel like they’re an active part of the whole home situation, so my thought was always:
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They get the groceries. They will have different tastes than me, and it’s the only bill that really doubled as soon as someone else was here every day.
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They are the main provider of outside the house activities. Going out to eat. Buying gifts to bring to parties. A bigger chunk of vacation budgets. I’ve already got the home expenses covered. I got to pick the home, so they get to pick the outside of home experience for our life together. It splits up the choices instead of just the money.
Both people were making significantly less than me when but relationships started, though but eventually evened out. This split of things also let them ramp spending up or down with how well our overall financial picture was at the time without any worries of actual bills being paid.
Also as I said, I already had picked the home itself solely on my own along with all the furnishings, so letting them spearhead the non-permanent aspects let them feel they contributed an even amount to the relationship and let them put forward their personalities in unique ways. Both people are very different in who they are, and both really enjoyed the way things were split up, so it seems I struck on something.
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I am not sure the way Amsterdam law sees it but in a lot of countries if shes paying some of the mortgage and she lives there for a certain length of time she becomes part owner of said condo. Best to get legal advice as if you break up you may be forced to sell and split part of the sale.
If you want her to pay half of the mortgage it has to be half in her name as well. That should be obvious unless youve already paid the majority off.
Regardless money complicates relationships and at a point in your relationship half your income will become hers and half hers yours, dependent only on where you live.
My advice is not financial but rather about relationships:
- Money and finances are one of the top things couples fight about.
- Psychologists have observed that couples have the same disagreements (or fights) over the long term course of a relationship, and these can be used as touchpoints to assess the couple’s emotional maturity and overall relationship health.
- So, whatever financial arrangement you agree upon, commit to it in a way that actively reinforces the importance of the relationship, fosters open communication, and strengthens your bond with one another.
This sounds like a conversation to have with her, not strangers on the Internet
I’m not sure this is fair. I don’t think this is in lieu of such a conversation, but about some ideas on how to pitch the conversation. If you don’t have any friends in similar circumstances, it’s worth finding out what other people do.
That said, the range of suggestions here is so broad that I’m not sure it’s going to help!
If she has to pay for it then she can bring anyone she wishes into her apartment … with payment come rights.
I am seriously concerned that in your mind, without payment she would have to ask for permission.
In my personal situation, my gf is staying with me regularly for a while (LDR atm). When she stays here she doesn’t have to pay for anything. (She wants to pay for some food) The only thing, I have requested in that situation, is that she tells me when she brings a friend to our place and that preferably I would like to know the friend before they appear in my private space. In other words, I just don’t want to open the door and see an unexpected stranger sitting on my couch. Please note, I asked her to respect that. I asked.
I agree it wouldn’t be right for her to pay off your mortgage. But I think either 50/50 or proportionate to income (i.e. 1.3/1) splitting of bills, groceries, and other costs incurred by the both of you, is reasonable. But you’re in relationship, not a contract, so do discuss this with her and see what the both of you would prefer.
I always wonder about that. It seems like a non-issue to me. You’re just paying it, same as always, and the other can contribute when or if they can, what they can. Running costs that do increase with two people, like electricity or water, should be easy to just split some way, since the other’s no longer paying for their rent and utilities.
But why does it have to be some set sum or percentage or whatever? Why does it have to be static in the first place? Why not just let them contribute what they can, when they can, since the money’s not tight?
But of course the real correct answer will always be different for each relationship. And only revealed by talking and assuming each feel comfortable being honest and vocal about their thoughts and neither gets steamrolled or gets left with reservations or doubts about the outcome.
Why does it have to be static in the first place? Why not just let them contribute what they can, when they can, since the money’s not tight?
Who is to decide when and what they can pay then?
It’s also as much about determining the disposable income. If she has a different opinion on what is reasonable to spend on other things that could easily become a can of worms.
“This is what you need to contribute to the household, whatever you do with the rest of your money is not my issue” is much better than: “Hey, I know you’re low on cash but maybe if you cut back on lattes, avocado toast, gambling, booze and cigarettes, we would be able to pay the bills.”
In reality, the fixed amount isn’t very fixed anyway. If one part can’t pay, it’s still unlikely that the partner would kick them out. But as long as money isn’t that tight, it’s simply better to allocate a fixed amount to the household, so the money isn’t disposable for random spending, so they don’t risk overspending or increasing expensive habits.
This isn’t just to curb the costs, but also to avoid the situation in which one part becomes financially dependent on the other, which is also a recipe for disaster for both parts.
Fair points. I lacked in perspective but you brought me some, so I thank you 😌
A relationship is built on trust. You are not room mates. Invite her to move in with no expectations, and let her decide how she wants to contribute.
I’d agree the sentiment that you’re partners, not room mates, though even partners split (or share) things like costs, housework, etc. I’d suggest something like you pay your mortgage and both of you split utilities… or maybe you pay mortgage and she pays utilities, whatever seems fair to both of you. But I wouldn’t have her pay me money directly, IDK why but it feels a bit off.
So in a relationship the party that moves into the others home can decide how much they will contribute? What’s the rationale here?
It gives you an early signal that the relationship won’t work out if the other party decides to contribute nothing for no reason other than to have their cake and eat it too.
I’m of the belief that when it comes to relationships, if you’re thinking about it transactionally, then you’re doing things wrong. As long as being together is a net positive for both parties, then it doesn’t matter if one contributes more than the other.
On a more pragmatic note, you can contribute a lot through non-financial means and these are difficult to quantify, so it’s simply not worth the effort to do that kind of bean counting. If you don’t feel that they’re pulling their weight, then you talk about it and make some adjustments.
I wouldn’t call them moving in and after a while realizing they are not contributing an early signal. You know what would be? Talking about it up front and coming to an agreement. Whether it be financial or otherwise.
And this has nothing to do with a relationship being transactional. In fact it’s the opposite because then the relationship will not be one person providing for two people and the other person providing a relationship in return.
A few elements you left out is how compatible your housework stuff is and what she was paying before. She should absolutely not be paying more than half in total of what she was before all said and done and going up to that amount is bs as well. Look at it this way. If she had a roommate that is amount she would pay anyway. Maybe your place is better but given you guys are a couple it should be nicer for her than just that. If your place is better thats a bonus. With groceries I think you should just buy independently and a lot depends on who cooks. If one person is cooking more often then the other person should make it a point to get as much of the shared groceries as they can. This is getting to the housework. I remember talking with a friend and he had a thing with his girlfriend because he vacuumed once a month and she did once a week. He felt he should still do once a month as she still ends up doing it less but gets the same effect while he is doing it the same amount as he would on his own. Things get complicated when you live with family or a significant other and you want to make sure its a good deal for them as well as yourself and presumably you have a lifestyle that tends to spend 30% more or at least potentially can. I would make sure you are at least paying 30% more than her every month. Anyway Im more giving you food for thought than a hard and fast answer but tldr is make sure she pays less than 50% of what her expenses were before and further that your monthly costs are 30% higher however that works out. On a personal note I like simplicity so if it worked out to not be to much I would be tempted to just ask her to carry all the utilities and then do the independent grocery thing. Its less work for you if she gets and pays the utilities and you don’t have to shuffle money back and forth which can feel a bit weird.
It’s up to both of you. Don’t rely on social norms because it almost always leads to disagreement or when something changes someone feels it’s unfair.
Sit down together and decide what’s fair for your current situation and revisit it every time you adjust the budget. That can be as often as every week or month. Don’t lock yourselves into 1 agreement for ever. Expect it to be fluid and change as your financial situation changes.
As long as you’re both happy with it, it’s fair.
If I were you I’d split just the bills and groceries.
If you’d break up someday (God forbid), the property is still gonna be yours, so there is no point in making her pay any kind of rent.If you gotta ask these kinds of things this relationship isn’t really serious enough to warrant moving in.
Finances are one of the most common reasons for divorce, being open about these things is key in a relationship.
Yeah exactly people getting married when they have no business or maturity to do so. Imagine needing complete strangers on the internet to tell you how to charge someone you love rent.
Then imagine being stupid enough to quote divorce statistics to people who point out how dumb that is.
Signed happily married guy who doesn’t charge his wife rent
Im in the same situation, we splitted just utilities 50/50 (electric, water, sewer, repairs) and Im sending a little less to shared account for groceries and other food (beacuse I earn less than my partner) but nothing more
