I find it interesting that some people are strictly monogamous while others are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum and prefer exclusively non-monogamous arrangements. I respect all variations; I’m just curious about the influences behind them. Personally, I’m monogamous myself, but I’m okay with my husband being with other women as long as I don’t feel neglected and he’s discreet about it. I think this perspective has been influenced by my parents’ marriage.
Great question. The main point that’s shaped my view on it, is that no person owes me their time, and I can’t own them.
My partner and I have been together for 7 years, and started off as non-mono (CNM Poly). We’ve always respected each other’s autonomy and independence. During that time, we developed a stable, loving relationship, and encouraged each other to meet other people. I understand that she owes me nothing, and I can’t control her time or who she spends her time with. This was established at the beginning, so expectations were managed properly from the start.
That being said, we both choose to stay together. We’ve been through hell in the last 7 years, and I wouldn’t do it with anyone else. I’m comfortable knowing she’ll continue to be with me, despite her other relationships. Even if she decides this waa no longer a relationship she wanted to be in, it would suck and I would be heartbroken, but I would survive, and eventually be okay.
Another core belief is that we can’t possibly expect one person to meet all of our needs. This is a completely unreasonable expectation. It’s suffocating, and puts way too much pressure on your partner. We both have other people in our lives that help to round out our relationships.
The biggest thing for me is that ever single person involved intentionally chooses to be in the relationship they’re in. They’re not in the relationship due to a default, or expectation from a mono normative society. They’re making the intentional choice to do what makes them happy.
I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have about the topic. This is something near and dear to me, and respectful curiosity from others always sparks joy in me.
Well said. I think all your points are valid and forward-thinking. I believe a monogamous non-married relationship fits me best with similar expectations:
- We may grow apart at some point (and shouldn’t force it to work)
- We may find someone who suits us better (it sucks, but we’re humans seeking a better tomorrow)
- We dont own each other, or owe our lives (we are individuals with our own needs)
Why a polycule doesn’t work for me:
- Jealousy and other relationship drama that I dont want to deal with
- My attention is divided among several people, my work, hobbies, etc. It sounds overwhelming.
- There’s not enough time to remember everything about everyone, and that feels like a more superficial relationship.
I met someone recently and discovered we have sexual compatibility, but not romantic. Hypothetically, I can see how having another person involved could fill that romantic need. Maybe one day.
Excellent points. Every relationship is valid, and only we can determine what works for ourselves. I choose poly and CNM because I have an abundance of love to offer, and know I can’t find everything I need in one person.
I appreciate the concerns about jealousy and division of attention. Those are common concerns, and often seen in any relationship. For me, jealousy is a fear of loss. If I’m not afraid to lose my partner, what am I afraid of? This is what led me to understand that I was envious of someone spending time with her, not that I was afraid to lose her.
As for the division of time, that is definitely a concern. If I don’t balmace and manage my relationships properly, someone will feel neglected, and that’s not okay. Having two partners requires additional effort, communication, and vulnerability. I can’t get away with shit, and I have continually own up to my actions with full accountability.
That all being said, my parents are a model of sustainable, healthy monogamy, and I treasure that. They’ve been an example of what’s also possible, and I would never discount that. If people are open and honest with themselves and others, any relationship can be just as healthy and sustainable.
I fail to see the spectrum on this one. What is between those two ends?
- swinging: just sex
- open relationship: sex and limited emotional investment
- polyfidelity- multiple whole relationships, but the system is closed to new members
I consider it mainly a point of communication and managing expectations.
If A wants multiple sexual partners, but also wants B, while B doesn’t want their partner to have anyone else, then A can:
- give up on B and go on with other partners
- repress their desires in favour of B and not tell B about it. Get married
- eventually A gets frustrated with B and asks to end their relationship
- lie to B and get married to them and then go around their backs, doing whatever
You can easily see the cases where it doesn’t work out.
There are more cases…- B wants A and asks for a relationship. A tells B their expectations. Then you get one of:
- B represses their desires leading to eventual frustration
- B understands the incompatibility and looks for someone else
- B wants A and asks for a relationship. A doesn’t tell B their properties and B is working with incomplete/wrong information.
Either way, the important part is to not fixate on getting a specific person who you only know a little about, just to end up in an undesirable situation later on.
But it is also important to convey these things before getting the other to make any sort of commitment.I believe it to be a trait, like the sexual orientation, that is preset. It might, due to past experiences, vary a bit, but … I doubt that it can be changed entirely.
~But, as I said, that’s not more than just a belief of mine.~
I was in a monogamous relationship and had feelings for someone else. I didn’t want to cheat, but it felt wrong I couldn’t do anything with this other person that I felt chemistry with. I knew I wouldn’t be upset if my partner had other people so long as she also spent time with me. After that relationship ended (for other reasons) I decided not to put myself in the same situation.
Ironically, pursuing non monogamy means there are far fewer people to date. I was getting a viable match like once a month or so, maybe less. When I switched back to monogamy as an option, it was like 1d4-1 a week.
What do you think shapes someone’s views
Role models.
Parents, other relatives, people that you considered important during your whole youth.
Usually you watch them how they live their life and what important decisions they make for their life, and then you decide (consciously or unconsciously) to copy some of it in your own life.
