Bearded guy, so: “[insert any small talk compliment about my beard here]” “Thanks, it’s been growing on me.”

Works better when spoken but just say this in your head really fast

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they arrrrr!

What is white and interrupts your breakfast? An Avalanche

What do you call a fly with legs? A walk.

Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second many says “no such a thing as a bacon tree, that’s just a mirage”, but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush”.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “oh look, deer tracks”. The second one says, “no, those a bear tracks”. The third one says, “you’re both wrong, those are moose tracks!” Then they get hit by a train.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Why do Native American hate snow? Because it’s white and on their land.

“Your mom” as a comeback. It even works as a non-sequitor.

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

“Not the sharpest bulb in the tree”

I live in Illinois and like to say that the souther you go the Kentuckier you get. While accurate, the grammar is very, very stupid.