ADHD is not a quirk. It is ruining my life. I am disorganized, I am in debt, I am paralyzed. I can’t even get help; I have tried navigating the maze of finding a doctor who will accept my crappy exchange insurance but I always end up throwing in the towel. I thought I found one, once, but sike, he’s an addiction counselor who refuses to prescribe stimulant medication on principle.
Not that I’m opposed to trying nonstims again, but I was prescribed Strattera in high school and it made me so drowsy I failed chemistry because I couldn’t stay awake even with a full night of sleep. Also, bonus, his profile on the site I used to find him lied, and he doesn’t actually accept my insurance. Here’s a $500 bill for our 45 minute zoom call where I accused you of drug seeking. I got his practice to cancel the charge but still.
ADHD is ugly; ADHD looks like every chair in my apartment being full of clutter (and me subsequently freaking out because I hate clutter). it looks like brushing my teeth every two or three or five days. It looks like being able to hold on to my job as a waiter nothing else. It looks like me having the money to pay my bills, me wanting to pay those bills, and then me getting sent to collections anyway. ADHD looks like ghosting an old best friend because I’m too embarrassed to keep up with him. It looks like my partner shouldering more of the housework than is fair. And I get to look back on all this behavior, identify and accept that I am the problem, and then I get to do fuck all to fix it. ADHD looks like a horizon that gets narrower and narrower every day.
And I feel alone. ADHD is not cute. It sucks to suck.
I’m so sorry for this, @ebolapie@lemmy.world. You are not alone, and this is definitely the biggest drawback to ADHD. I also have AuDHD, so when I find something interesting I can hyper-fixate on it to the detriment of anything and everything, including bodily needs. If it’s something uninteresting but necessary, it might as well be a walk to Mordor, even if it’s small.
Stimulants like Adderall can help, but there are drawbacks. Like the drowsiness you mentioned, stimulants work the opposite on ADHD brains as normie ones.
I’ve personally learned to cope through “coffee rituals.” When I need to do something that feels impossible even if it’s small — like laundry or paying a bill — I will make a cup of coffee, down it quickly, and then get to work. Caffeine is a stimulant and can help you focus for a little while. Adderall works the exact same way, but usually comes in “slow release” forms so it lasts longer.
I do feel I rely on my partner a lot, but they are the sweetest person in the world and are supportive and understanding and helpful in a constructive way. For example, “here’s a coffee, help me fold the laundry?” See if you can work out something similar with your partner.
We’re all here for you and will share what advice we can. Digital hugs, stranger.
You’re not alone. Everything fucking sucks and nothing is enjoyable anymore.
ADHD sucks, yes.
In the defence of the cutesy, quirky memes; it’s cope - and sometimes it can help to blow off a bit of steam through humor.
But when you’re at where OP is at (I’ve been there too), it’s not helpful.
Husband of ADHD person here, a second-person perspective if you wanna call it this way.
It kinda feels like I have two wives, because it’s very hard to internalize that one person can both be pedantic perfectionist in things they like and then lose their keys three to five times a day and leave clutter everywhere. She does complex physical activities and meditation without issue… but then documentation and complex IT systems look like random noise to her. The moment she finishes her task, all tools used vanish from her mind and are left wherever she finished that task. Nothing is ever back where it belongs and I act as mother from memes every day (the one that can always find what you lost).
Luckily we live in Poland, she got diagnosed in an hour (I like to imagine the doctors took one good look at her and said “yup”) and week later got confirmation and prescription for drugs. Drugs work silly - she can’t do her hobbies after taking drugs, but she can do her 9-5 job. Thus schedule was made so that she can have time for hobbies in the morning, and then take the drugs before work.
This is why I stopped taking adderall and drink a lot of coffee instead. When I need to focus on something unfun, like chores, I gulp down a coffee. It wears off in a couple hours but helps me focus for a while when I need it. The down-side is that it makes me feel a little sleepy.
Audhd here.
yea its rough. modern world wasnt made for us. routine is hard. i get that. trust me i do.
however. perhaps consider not attempting to fit into the world. you really dont have to. its not only exhausting, its futile for most of us. it requires us to be drugged and brainwashed for christs sake.
just do whatever the fuck you want to do, when you want to do it. life is short, and we evolved this way to experience the most of it, and we evolved to adapt to the chaos faster than anyone else can. there is use for that if you can find your various and ever changing niches.
stop pretending to be something you’re not. play to your strengths, develop new ones.
this world is crumbling anyways. dont take it too seriously. its okay to be sad about things from time to time. overwhelmed. thats life. its a bitch. but its also beautiful, and interesting. there are infinite ways for you to experience it. and we get such a short amount of time just to scratch the surface. and thats okay, thats part of what makes life so special. especially for people like us. even in this fucked up world.
my advice, which was gifted to me by my grandfather in his last words to me before dying 20 minutes later.
“get an education, because once you have it, no one can take it away from you”
and to me that meant to never stop learning, period. its the only thing thats kept me grounded in the face of existential dread (which arguably is also caused by knowing too much about certain subjects) and when aimed in a constructive direction can move mountains. or at least lead to an interesting and satisfying life. and in the end thats all that really matters.
at the end of your life youll have a million talents, a million hobbies, and millions of stories to tell about all the chaotic shit you lived through and adapted to. you’ll become a living story book, and a guide to others if you let yourself.
careers are for squares, routine is for robots. we are the most authentically human people to exist in this bullshit farce of a world created and shaped by psychopathic pedophile nutjob billionaires and oligarchs. so rebel by continuing on with the indomitable will of the human spirit. then pass the torch like a good soldier.
good luck, have fun, dont die. at least not any time soon.
But its your SUPERPOWER!! /s
Yes yes yes! The clutter, the teeth, the bills, the ghosting. Watching things you can and want to do not get done is a special kind of frustrating.
However:
identify and accept that I am the problem… sucks to suck
Naahhhh, fuck that.
If a shelf is too high for me to reach, I don’t suck for being short. No amount of people telling me to reach harder will help.
The entire rest of the world is the problem. Don’t internalize that bullshit, don’t blame yourself for things you know could not have possibly gone differently.
You’re right. I don’t suck. My coping mechanisms are insufficient for the tasks I have set for myself. Those coping mechanisms can be made stronger. And no amount of coping will fix a broken healthcare system. I just feel about an inch tall today. It’s hard not to turn it inward sometimes.
Yeah it sure is.
I’m managing my ADHD symptoms for now, but the one thing I can’t do is navigate the health system.
How is anyone with ADHD supposed to get help? It’s like the system was hand made to be impossible for neurodivergent people.
ADHD here and medicated. I needed to be pushed to the brink before I got professional help, and even then I had to choose a super expensive psychiatrist in Paris because he was one of the few taking new patients at the time, and where I didn’t have to wait a month for an appointment. That was just the first step. Then comes medication, which needs to be renewed monthly through a prescription that lasts only three days and is usable in only one pharmacy. Good luck if they don’t have any in stock — and there have been shortages all the time. Then my GP and my psychiatrist can’t seem to agree on whether I need check-ups with my psychiatrist every three months or once a year. Also, it’s clear the subject of medication is very touchy. I’ve gotten weird looks, suspicious questions, and all kinds of mistreatment. Medication has been great and has improved my life immensely, and I see it as indispensable for me to maintain any form of structure in my life. But even like that, I’ve still gone through periods of up to six months without being medicated, because the entire process is, ironically, extremely anti-ADHD.
I was having really bad anxiety and depression on top of my ADD and trying to get help made me feel like I was going insane and I have great insurance. Thankfully I got the meds I needed and after that ADD meds.
’s like the system was hand made to be impossible for neurodivergent people.
New to the world, I see.
I see you, i hear you, i feel you.
I loathe that ADHD became a goddamn tiktok trend, it belittles and minimizes the struggle.
I’m not fun party guy, I struggled to hold a job longer than a year and it cost me my marriage and all of the friendships i ever had.
I’m in a better place now, but shit! I was 40 before even being diagnosed.
I mean I’m a fun party guy. I keep my job because it’s remote and I can play catch-up by pulling all nighters. My wife really doesn’t understand but we deal with it. Was 37 when I got medicated 38 when I got married.
sike
And a bone apple tea to you!
ADHD existence is unsustainably harder than it should be :(
I feel you! Where I live now its like pulling teeth to get my meds. My PCP won’t try different meds because he wants a therapist to prescribe something new. So, I get hit with panic attacks and crippling anxiety. That’s when I can get my meds.
My doc requires that I come in every month to refill my meds. The fun part is that he is booked out 3 months and they refuse to set a reoccurring appointment. So, I end up going months without meds. Even if they prescribe enough to make it through the 3 months, I wouldn’t be able to get it filled because the state limits how much can be filled. Not to mention constant issues with supply shortages.
It just fucking sucks. You aren’t alone.
Case in point, you have to use PCP instead of just saying my doctor. Because everything has to be defined by an insane system of unrealistic complexity
Dang. I feel that more than you know.
I see you, friend. I see it all. Hugs
What’s the solution here? Serious.
I don’t have the answer. It’s probably “do better at everything”.
Get guidance per problem, apply solutions when able, don’t beat yourself up when you slip up, that’s going to happen, just re-apply the solution when you realize your slacking at that thing again.
To-do lists and guides and reminders are really the best, but still most will fall out of the habit and have to dig back in periodically.
Reminders get skipped, distractions will happen. It’s okay. That’s normal for you (and most people actually). But keep the reminders and guides and lists anyway, everytime you encounter them there’s another opportunity to accomplish something.
If you realize you’ve slacked off cleaning, for example, and you have a detailed checklist for deep cleaning each room, you can right then grab the list off the clipboard on your wall and start working through as much as you can before you get distracted or have to sleep or whatever.
If it’s all broken out onto little things it’ll be less daughting, just hyper focus on that one thing until it’s done, if possible. Then move onto the next if you have time still.
Don’t kick yourself if you get sidetracked and clean up some clothes in your bedroom after picking up a sweater from the living room, instead of finishing in the living room, as long as you’re still plugging away at cleaning some you are doing fine.
And you don’t have to do everything all right now.
There’s probably too much to do for that to be a reasonable expectation anyway.
And there’s no right order, except if you notice you don’t have any clean clothes or dishes or TP or food at the moment, then probably prioritize addressing those things first.
You can buy cleaning and chore checklist online. And there are daily journals designed for peeps with ADHD that have spaces for a few check list items, spaces to log positive reflections, chore or cleaning suggestions.
You can go through them in advance and add occasional reminders for tasks you know you forget. Or you can try filling out a couple things for tomorrow before bed today. Try different things. And whatever works best for you, or works at the moment, that is great.
If you use any of this, remember it doesn’t have to be every day. Just keep the tool accessible, mount them on the wall or dedicate a space where they are less likely to get burried, use them as much as you can, and forgive yourself for missing days or taking breaks, or misplacing them.
That stuff happens. It is okay.
Sooo… just do better at everything?
Also–there’s always more–if you live with somebody and they say you need to clean up a mess, right then is the time to do it. Unless you are making food at that moment or in the middle of something really important, like tending to a wound, or putting out a fire.
At that moment your companion is being your reminder, so make use of that opportunity!
You can also create that opportunity by asking somebody in your life who is good at managing things to come over occasionally and help guide you. Not do it for you. Just look over a space and give you direction, then hang out and keep you company.
Have a few drinks or buy them dinner after.
A lot of folk are embarrassed by their messes, but as long as you’re not inviting a nagging judgemental nasty mother-in-law type over, I think you’ll be suprised how understanding your friends and family can be when you admit you know your ADHD is holding you back but step-up and ask for direction occasionally with cleaning.
