I’m 20F, he’s 25M. We met in January and have been dating since last month. He’s already met my parents - they love him, and he hangs out at our house all the time. Literally no one has any issues with him, he’s super welcome here. I invited him to sleep over for a few days this week just for fun, but he said he’s not comfortable with it - apparently it feels too “intimate” for him? Like, he’s got this thing about doing private stuff with other people around. I just want him to relax a bit. We’re all adults here, and everyone knows people have private lives. How can I help him feel more okay with it?
You should really move out or stay at his place when you want to fuck. He doesn’t need to regress into your childhood.
No one said anything about sex?
I hate being at my inlaws’ for an extended period of time (hours). My spouse hates being at my parents’ in the same time period. You can both have totally normal, comfortable nights at your own parents’ place but find the experience entirely foreign and unsettling at the others’. The type of soap, the number of towels, the default amount of noise, the temperature, the forced formal interactions, the TV shows, the time of dinner, the existence of any activity other than your usual quiet night in, everything. Not wanting to be a disturbance in someone else’s place. Being under a foreign set of rules. Just everything.
Do you feel normal sleeping over an aunt/uncle’s place? A friend’s parents’ place? A hotel? A hostel?
I lived WITH my inlaws for a year. Still can’t stand it. Grateful for the financial relief at the time, but still uncomfortable enough to keep me driven to in debt myself with my own place ASAP.
You’ve been dating a month? I’d say what you can do to “help” him is date him for about 6 months and see how things stand then.
I am not sure why everyone here isn’t seeing the obvious. You’re 20 and live at home. He’s 25 and is a guy. You’ve been together for 4 weeks. 30 days.
Your parents don’t “love” him. They are just tolerant and probably happy he’s not an awful goober.
You are a love-struck 20 year old and may potentially not be picking up on cues or grasp the nuances of parenting and having an adult offspring in the house.
He’s a guy, 25, and has likely heard his share of mischaracterizations from parents, or possibly been in a situation where he got caught sleeping over as a teenager… Or any other number of things fresh in his head from also being young.
Neither of you have true license over this relationship while you’re not a fully autonomous person, paying your own rent and having your own place, sleeping over at your place is going to feel weird at 30 days or 3 years if you live with your parents.
Give the guy a break. It’s not a comfortable situation. It won’t change with another person if you two break up and try again with someone else.
Unless they come from a culture where living with your parents is absolutely normal which is surprisingly still very common.
In that case it wouldn’t be that common to have a “casual” boyfriend coming to sleep over after a month though
Oh man this ^
Perfect response
love-stuckLove-struck. As in being hit by something.
Typo: as in, I was slapping keys at 6:45am and couldn’t see.
Thanks or whatever.
They’re being helpful and assuming you may genuinely not know the word, and are giving you the correct version for the context.
Getting defensive isn’t necessary.
Explaining your typo is not being defensive.
The “I’m doing the thing you’re doing but throwing it back at you” and “thanks or whatever” definitely is.
Sometimes context will inform the reader whether or not the writer genuinely made a mistake or was ignorant or uninformed. I’m just being helpful here, so don’t get defensive.
It wasn’t meant in a negative way - I’ve just seen “Love Stuck” a couple times on lemmy and wanted to make sure you knew the correct version. You’re not the first I’ve seen call it that for whatever reason (typo or otherwise) so it was just kind of a general correction so others didn’t bone-apple-tea the phrase themselves.
Sorry, it wasn’t meant to throw shade or anything. Usually after I make a mistake like that I go back and edit my post to fix it.
No sweat. No offense taken.
no offense taken, but given. really, what was that, man?
This is probably the best response. Just chill and he’ll be fine.
I’d argue comfort could come after more time together in the right circumstances. Many couples choose to live with one sides parents to save money given the housing shortage many countries are facing. The catch is, this typically only works when both the parents and the couple are respectful of each others privacy and boundaries. This often equates to turning a basement into an apartment with sperate bathroom and kitchen/kitchenette.
deleted by creator
paying your own rent and having your own place
slightly off topic, but this is a contradiction. if you are paying rent, that is not your own place.
Can you just not.
It is in the ways that matter here. “Own” here refers to being independent from your parents specifically, not property ownership.
It sucks that what you both want isn’t compatible, but you don’t really have much of a choice but to respect his boundaries. A gentle nudge in the right direction as others have suggested probably wouldn’t hurt, but just make sure you check in with him about it and he knows you’re not nagging or trying to pressure him to do something he isn’t (yet) comfortable with.
Absolutely this. Patience and respecting boundaries.
Ask your parents to sleep in the same bed as you two for the first few nights. It’ll calm everyone down and help build trusting relationship bonds. If you need a bigger bed, I recommend the California king or Sultan bed size.
Yes, I’ve seen this one before. You start with a nice safe game of “who’s in my mouth?” And then once everyone is warm, you work your way up to ranked competitive sex. Before you know it everyone is too tired to be embarrassed.
California king is smaller than a regular king actually! Alaska king is bigger though
For us tall people the California king is bigger in all the right places
It’s a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.
It has to be from an endangered gorilla.
Diddy king is best of all! Don’t forget to remind daddy to bring some hallucinogenic laced baby oil. This helps build rapport and loving bonds of familial love and respect!
It’s taller, but not as wide. An Alaska king is crazy. Way too much bed idk.
You don’t. I feel for him. He just needs time and you have to understand some people need their privacy and there is no amount of time spent together that can change that. I’m one of those people. I’d be equally tense with a friend’s family or my in laws if I had them, no matter how much I like them, no matter how well we get along.
Edit: that being said, it’s possible he’ll loosen up as you say but there is also a chance the more pressure you put on him, the more you insist on welcoming him, will backfire.
Just take it easy.
I don’t know where the 4 weeks and 30 days comes from since now it is June and they met in January . The rest are all true.
It comes from OP: “We met in January and have been dating since last month.” (Emphasis mine.)
I see. Op is in LaLa land.
You replied to the wrong comment I believe
I have been with my wife for thirty years and we’re still not comfortable having sex with her parents in the house.
Is that the only place you’re not comfortable having sex with her parents?
The car isn’t that great either if I’m being honest.
So where do y’all have sex with her parents?
Congrats to both of you. This was such a funny sequence of comments and it culminated here with this image. I’m an weezing over here.
You can read that sentence a number of ways.
Like, with the parents listening, or with them reciting it with you?
Like ‘we’ll fuck the parents elsewhere, but not in the house’.
Yes, I understood the joke…
This is like dealing with a fart. Force to hard and you’ll shit your pants. Best to let it work itself out.
Is there any situation for which a fart is not a perfect metaphor?
Oh man. If you were 25 and he was 30 this would not be as much of a deal but I can see why he feels wierd about it. This is just an aspect of life. When your younger small age differences are more significant and more so if your living independently. Honestly even when your older its wierd with the parent child thing. It goes in reverse to. You have a single parent dating and the date spends the night and it can be wierd for the person not part of the household. I personally think you need to accept it and just see if he eventually gets to where he can manage doing it. I mean he is a guy so if the offer is on the table he will get around to mentioning it if he thinks he can handle it. Oh but it will hep to get it to the next level without the stay over. Go camping and he will be going with you and your parents will know so its like halfway sorta. Things like that. Or a weekend trip to a nice place with cabins or you know any type of weekend getaways type things.
Here’s just another way to look at it. He moved out of his parents’ house and lives alone now. He’s probably not looking to live with someone else’s parents on the regular, even if for only a few days. He probably enjoys his autonomy. He doesn’t mind you sleeping at his place because he likes you, but he didn’t sign up for the whole family.
It’s funny, when I was in high school and college, I felt a great sense of pride in “conquering” my partner’s home, but as a married adult it does give me some mild ick to get frisky in the guest bed. I mean I still will, but there’s definitely a loss of enthusiasm and willingness to do certain things.
I’m like him at my girlfriends place too. I’d be shocked if anything helps. Maybe just time.
But also I’m a particularly reserved person. The only time I’m comfortable is in her room, if the door is locked. Or in a more organised setting like having a meal (this is actually more bearable than comfortable). I’d rather just leave the house or be at my own place.
Do you know what part is “too intimate”? Is it sleeping over in general, do you stay at his? Is it the awkwardness of your parents being around? Or, with intimate / all adults / private lives are you really talking about him not being comfortable having sex with his girlfriend in her parents house?
All of those are pretty normal, but can probably be resolved in different ways. E.g if he just likes his own space, maybe starting with a single night staying over makes more sense than a few days, and at the weekend so it’s not disrupting his schedule or whatever he worries about.
If it’s the sex one, I’d recommend a bit of empathy. Some people are really relaxed about sex and others are not. And as a guy, if I’m worrying about someone hearing us, how much noise the bed is making, etc it can be pretty hard to get in the mood and some guys can be worried about not being able ‘to perform’ especially when you’re both young and only been dating a short time. And it’s not as easily brushed aside as “don’t worry about it, they don’t care” once my mind is focused on what someone downstairs might be hearing and thinking, I’m not in the moment any more.
I sleep over at his place (he lives alone). I guess it’s a combination of my parents being around + the sex part. Basically him + me sleeping together in my bedroom in the same house as my parents makes it “too obvious” that we’re intimate to my parents (in his mind) and he finds that weird. Feels… ashamed? Plus obvious stressed about sounds and stuff. Pff, hard to describe it into words. Optics, I guess?
Another way to look at this is that you are lucky he isn’t the sort of guy to nail your hips to the mattress while forcing you to scream daddy as your biological father shifts uncomfortably next to his morning coffee at the breakfast table.
Dude has normal boundaries, if one of you has a private place, that is where you should be staying. I’m honestly curious as to why you want him to stay at your parents place when he has a perfectly usable apartment for both of you.
Just to make this more awkward
Her: oh God, YES DADDY
Dad: COMING
Boyfriend: CUMMING
I’m really close with my family and also a homebody. It’d be fun to have him around as part of the household for a bit, part of the trivial day to day life. Monotonous domestic life…
He is the person with a home. If you want him as part of your household, you should consider moving in together in a place that doesn’t belong to your parents.
When you find someone to make a family with, you are making a new family. It is not functional long term to try to work him into your existing family like that. One woman’s comfortable monotony is another man’s perpetual guest status.
I think the more feasible version of what you want would be some sort of family vacation that he is invited along for, but even that needs to come with private space for the two of you each day. Neutral territory lets people build a new status quo, and your parent’s place isn’t neutral at all. I know this might all sound dramatic and insane right now, but I’m speaking from a lifetime of experience—putting him in your parents space for over 24 hours is going to create mental stress for him that will have an adverse effect on your relationship, especially if you don’t acknowledge his stress as valid.
Thanks. I really appreciate the advice. I’m just not an inhibited person at all, so I find it difficult to relate to these kinds of feelings.
And that is ok, you don’t have to personally understand it to acknowledge that his anxieties are valid and real. I wish you the best. It sounds like you have a good guy and good parents.
Just channel that inhibition towards traditional exhibitionism instead of parental exhibitionism, and I think you’ll be set.
Personally I think @WeirdGoesPro@lemmy.dbzer0.com’s take is a bit prescriptive, but I do think that if you want a good long-term relationship, then it’s about finding what’s comfortable for both of you, not just for one of you. Boundary pushing can be OK, but usually only with prior consent or better some expression of desire… If either one of you pushes the other into doing something the other doesn’t really want, that’s probably not gonna pan out well in the long run. Listening (especially to the “why” part) and working together is important.
If its important to you, and you’re capable of having grown-up conversations as a couple, then there’re probably lots of ways to figure it out. Start by taking the pressure completely off by telling him that you understand that it makes him uncomfortable and you’d never want to pressure him into something he’s not fully consenting to (can you imagine if it was a 20F posting that her older boyfriend keeps trying to push her to have sex in a situation she feels uncomfortable in?)
Then try and find out what is actually the source of the issue for him, and if he wants to, work on that. If he deep down struggles to believe that your parents are cool with this guy banging their can’t-even-drink-in-a-bar* aged daughter then maybe your parents have to be more direct about giving their approval. I had a gf who’s parents had noisy sex when we were staying over and whose dad made super weird jokes like “we want her back in one piece <wink>” when we said goodnight. It was deeply awkward, but I certainly didn’t worry about them judging us for having sex.
Similarly, if it just makes him feel self-conscious and that doesn’t make him feel very sexy, maybe you can start doing (consensual) minor sex stuff during the day while he’s visiting. Or spend time during the day watching TV or chatting in your bedroom with the door shut. And once he’s confortable spending time in your bed and in private, and he sees that your parents don’t judge him even though you could have been having sex, it’ll be easier to accept an overnight. And tbh, when staying in someone else’s house it’s much easier it have sex during the day when people are busy and there’s noise from TVs and stuff, than at night when any noise feels very obvious.
But the main thing is to respect each other’s boundaries, and realise that some things take time.
As everyone else has said, this is a pretty normal hangup, and if it’s really where you plan to live for the foreseeable future, only time will wear down the edges of that anxiety. It sounds like your parents raised you to be very open and you have an honest relationship with them and open invitation to live with them until you find a path that takes you elsewhere. Frankly, that’s great. My own daughter is a pre-teen but honestly I think we’re on a fairly similar path, but that’s more because it’s what feels like the right thing to do and the right way to treat someone, compared to the arbitrarily rigid households my wife and I grew up in. It doesn’t make make it magically not-alien.
It’s only been a month and he likely grew up in a different style of household. Honestly, in the US at least, the communities that most commonly do multi-generational living are very much not the ones okay with unmarried partners staying over. That’s a pretty significant cultural disconnect, and it’s going to be a while before he gets over it and truly believes that your parents are as okay with it as you claim. It’s probably going to require them to be almost comically over the top about it being okay (which has its own social hazards, LOL), or else it’s going to require baby steps. A trip together could help, as someone else mentioned. Or, a movie night that runs long and he stays in a spare bedroom. Eventually, with exposure and with a relationship between the two of you that proves to be solid over time, he may come to feel that it’s less awkward or disrespectful. He might also be a bit (overly?) self-conscious about the slight age difference in front of people whose primary job over the last 20 years has been keeping you safe.
So yeah, he’s sort of bringing his hangups into the relationship in a way you likely find frustrating, but I wouldn’t worry about it, certainly not until it’s been a good bit longer. It’s a common thing, coming from an honest place (and as mentioned, anxiety+expectations could create a lot of issues around the very intimacy you want to promote). In the meantime, it’s fairly easy to work around, especially since you do have the kind of relationship with your parents that makes staying at his place unremarkable. Eventually, yes, he should grow to trust you and your parents enough to believe you all when you say it’s fine, and if that’s still not enough then to have the kind of open conversation with you as his partner to understand why it’s not going to happen. For now, just keep doing things to make him comfortable at your place, but for the most part I’d let this one go.
