For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.
You’re not the first person to say this.
In that case, here’s a plausable explanation that might resonate:
Gifts are a social contract. They are tendering their time, effort, and feelings for you to pick something to make you happy. If they misjudge you and you care about their happiness, thank them, hug them, make them feel special, then make sure you have a gift list available to them next time. This could be a Pinterest board, or anything. Focus on things you’d consider acceptable, even though they’re new. Also, DON’T GIVE THEM THAT LIST RIGHT NOW. In fact, wait until black Friday and tell them you have trouble picking out gifts for them, and ask if they could make a list, and can then, hopefully, safely exchange lists.
Your spouse put a lot of time and strong feelings into picking you birthday a gift. They formed an emotional attachment to this process/gift expecting to make you happy. Perhaps they feel like they don’t get you good gifts, perhaps the price of the item itself was a hardship that they decided to bear on your behalf to make them feel proud, or maybe they feel like you’re too good at getting them gifts. Perhaps you’re extremely hard to shop for since finding you used, repairable items that you’ll appreciate is an insurmountably difficult task from the outside. In any case, they felt that they had done a good job and probably had a solid sigh of relief for figuring something out.
They wrap it, feeling excitement, wanting you to be happy. They hand it over to you. You appear disappointed and want to return it. Even if you put on a good face at the time and later mentioned returning it, All that excitement, pride, and serotonin they had is now instantly gone. They feel awful for not understanding you.
Embarrasment + Shame + Sadness will make some awful anger.
Pick your battles. Someone giving you something nice that you don’t love for your own reasons is rarely a battle worth having. Accept it with grace and admiration for them. Make them as happy as they’re trying to make you.
Your post is like something I could have written, right down to repairing old things and loving them because you breathed new life into them, and because they are familiar, reliable, and comforting. Getting diagnosed opens a world of support and understanding, and I cannot encourage you enough to pursue it. Do it for your marriage and your own happiness. Even if it’s not ASD, a diagnosis helps more than you might initially think.
I’m not alone! Lol.
Yeah, I’ve said elsewhere but you’re not the first person to tell me this.
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don’t know, and obviously don’t have the credentials to diagnose?
I mean they did say “you may be…” and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don’t think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don’t agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
Nah, it’s cool. They’re not the first person to tell me this.
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event wouldd he without the surprise.”
It’s time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It’s more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don’t is both your fault.
No one is suffering here (imo) so that’s a great success.
If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
So…i hate to add to it…but my husband is mildly autistic and we’ve had this exact conflict with gift giving early in our marriage.
He sees the act of gift giving very logically and practically, which is perfectly fine, but i didnt really understand this early on in our relationship. We eventually sat down, talked about how we each felt, and it clicked that we had a disconnect on the social/emotional layer of gift giving. I saw and felt that gift giving was more of an act of showing the other person they crossed your mind; a display of emotion. On the other hand, my husband saw and felt gift giving was more about making sure the item is exactly what the other person wants, including if that item is “nothing”; logical, literal, and practical.
Sit down together and talk. Use “I” statements, keep calm voices, and dont interrupt. The goal is to express how you feel, listen to how they feel, and work together to help each other understand both perspectives.
And that is the first, and so far only, comment you engage with.
Because the reply is simple. The other ones require thought and energy.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren’t going to explain that. Being autistic isn’t a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don’t know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for testing autism like it’s a slur. And also shitting all over your clear sternly to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
You didn’t explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it’s being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
I’m not feeling insulted. Moreso just recognized. I don’t think autism is an insult.
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any “new” item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It’s also pretty shitty to say that thing you live sucks gets a version I think is better and you HAVE to like it
That’s a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift…
You aren’t even OP… Are you OK?
A hyperbole (pronounced “hy-per-buh-lee”) is a literary device that uses extreme exaggeration to create strong emphasis
I’m fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intended a hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from.
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I’ll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
That’s not what people usually do though. For most people new thing brings joy, (that’s why consumerism is a thing in the first place), so people are buying new thing for you to bring you joy.
Absolutely it is often what people do.
Oh also it doesn’t fucking matter what most people would feel about new things. The gift giver isn’t a stranger. They are married(assuming mother in law comment about the origin of the watch being replaced) and should know by now say least this much about the person they are sharing their life with.
How could you be this oblivious to who your partner is by saying most people would have appreciated it.
Using that reasoning then you are testing your spouse no more intimately than a complete stranger. That would hurt most people…
In requiring this much care for a partner, you need to remember to also give this much care.
It’s not like they took something from him, it was a gift, a gift of a thing he likes, he just got all pissy about how nobody appreciates his hobo aesthetics. When someone gives you a gift, rub some dirt in your new dildo and say thank you for your partner that cares for you and loves you, don’t be a dick.
It think it’s about balance. I have the same view point as yours. Early on, my wife would just get me new things of objects I already had. The difference is timing. I would tell her after the fact to not ruin her mood. She eventually understood and learned.
Every now and then she still does get me a thing I believe I don’t need. But she’s learned to be observant and is usually correct. If it were up to me, I would likely wear socks until all 5 toes are showing through. What I do in this instance is keep the new thing and I make sure I gift the older item to someone in need of it, or as back up for myself if the space allows. I am very much known in my spaces as the person that gives things away. If you’ve been in my life at least 3yrs, you probably own something that belonged to me.
I’m not sure what the relationship is between OP and the partner, but timing of when you tell them, does matter. Don’t do it right when the person has given you the gift, just wait. From what info there is, it doesn’t sound like they are a repeat offender of violating their rules.
May I just ask… why? Why this obsession with old and used things? Seems like misplaced concern for the environment/the world.
Misplaced I say because our individual impact is negligible, and 99,99% of all problems stem from like 10 massive polluting corporations.
Because some people don’t think it’s misplaced. It’s not an obsession with old things, it’s an avoidance of new ones. Just because I’m only responsible for a tiny fraction doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore that fraction.
Consumerism is why those massive companies pollute so much in the first place.
If I may ask, why is everyone else so obsessed with new things? Why is it the people who don’t feel the need to constantly buy new products that have to explain themselves? That seems backwards.
You have to explain why in a much clearer way.
Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn’t had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it’s a change, and it’s a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn’t YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don’t want to make the change.
And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don’t like the idea of it sitting unused.
It felt bad to you to not use a gift.
And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don’t appreciate it.
I think you’ll have to explain the “not wanting change” bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you’d gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn’t ever wear, maybe something they couldn’t wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don’t want to make the change, not yet.
How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I’d say it would’ve been safe to say something like “oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left”
In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there’s wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you’re happy she thought of it, you’re sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should’ve communicated better, and you’ll make a change to communicate better.
Perhaps even say something like “I probably should’ve told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should’ve explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan”. Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don’t make her feel she made a mistake.
If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that “communicating better” thing - for example (you don’t need to do it exactly like this, IT’S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like “don’t replace before” and “replace no later than” and “required specs: XYZ”. And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as “do exactly this”, but rather “you can take inspiration from this”.
oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left
That’s awesome wording.
This whole comment is amazing. Thank you so much.
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.
This point stood out to me. I’m assuming that you verbally established a “no nerdy t-shirts” rule, but did not verbally establish the “no new items” rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.
Why should they get to be upset about it because it’s a gift, yet the item being replaced with not something similar in style but different, but a literally new version of beloved gift, is supposed to be discarded without any thought about that gift.
Like what the hell is that logic. That gift you love and use all the time without ever mentioning a problem with is not good enough for my liking, replace it with MY version of it or you will hurt my feelings and that majes YOU a bad person for my feelings getting hurt.
Sorry but f that logic say I’m sorry I didnt know it meant so much to you.
They should be made to answer, in front of the mother in law, why and how the perfectly loved and valued watch needed to be replaced
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Do you care about the person you want to give a gift to? Do you trust and believe that they love you and them disliking a gift isn’t an indicator that they dislike you? Then humbly accept that your gift wasn’t the right one, and work together with them to find something they would prefer instead.
It isn’t difficult if you just talk with each other. Sometimes people pick bad gifts. Sometimes people are sentimentally attached to items. Sometimes people are very practical and have a “if it isn’t broken, it doesn’t need to be replaced/fixed” mentality that supercedes other considerations. Me, I have the opposite extreme. Even if a gift I receive is nothing something I have any intention of using, I feel obligated to find a space and use for it as a show of appreciation to the person that gifted it to me, because I wasnt owed the gift in the first place and I have gratitude they were thinking of me. That can be (is) unhealthy in an entirely different way.
But even if you think a gift is dumb and wrong and it’s an insult that they even gave it to you, if you love that person you swallow that pride and let them know you appreciate what they were trying to do but that they got it wrong this time. This can be done gently instead of coldly. And I am not saying OP had done it coldly, maybe the gift giving partner has insecurities they need to deal with. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Understanding why the gift giving partner would be upset that their gift was snubbed only takes a hint of empathy to understand, though. On the other hand, it’s also easy to understand why the receiver would be confused why the gift was chosen in the first place, with the information provided. Both are missreading each other on different points.
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Yes that’s why there is a problem with the reaction wanting to return the gift. Maybe we didn’t understand the same thing.
The giver was hurt because the reciever expressed that they didn’t want the gift so they should return it because it won’t get used. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.” There is no indication that how you phrased this isn’t exactly what op did. Unlikely, but we don’t know any more than after expressing they don’t want a new version that they suggested it be returned. To me that says I’m sorry but this was a waste and I don’t want your effort to be wasted.
If this was an acquaintance and not their partner I could see it differently, maybe. I’m trying not to make assumptions about anything here and using the post on its own merit. So as far as I’m concerned OP didn’t do anything wrong and is confused by the hurt reaction. Coming here to try and get an outside perspective is an attempt to get a less biased perspective on the situation which is evidence that OP actually cares a great deal about why this is a problem and is literally asking us to help understand.
A lot of the comments have made wild assumptions about OP “scolding” their spouse when that’s not information we know and it is being assumed.
Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.
If not, consider if you might be 😉
Peer reviewed ✅
Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It’s obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.
I… Sort of agree and sort of disagree. They thought of OP, but also… Didn’t. OP is being stubborn in understanding, but so is the gift giver. It’s a sensitive and complex situation, and both parties’ emotions are valid and just a little bit selfish.
they didn’t put any good damned thought into it. Not any that wasn’t completely selfish.
christ you’re just a bundle of joy aren’t you
I am fucking delightful actually. I also can empathize with someone I’ve never met.
You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
100%
OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
The boring answer is that it’s just not important for the story, but I chose to believe that it’s about an old denty disheveled dildo with a handcrank.
On the other hand, maybe it’s a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
Rhymes with Bilbo?
/s
It’s not about the item whatever it is, it’s about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn’t matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don’t want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don’t know how you said it to your spouse but the way you’ve described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you’re saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it’s not something you’d use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you’re difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you’re likely the bad guy for how you’ve gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you’re not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that’s fine but you may need to acknowledge that you’ve hurt their feelings even if you didn’t realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn’t want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it’s far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I’d like to zoom in on the spouse’s reaction. Yes, it’s an expression of their love. But also, if they’re the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that’s how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they’ve been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you’ll like! They’ll watch you open it, you’ll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn’t go down that way, but I think in addition to just “rejecting their love”, I imagine there’s also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don’t even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It’s just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you’ve told them you’re not interested. They’ll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don’t have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they’ll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the “outsized”-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
That’s entirely too many assumptions you are making it assertions you are crediting with no evidence at all.
Entirely too much for my comfort anyway
That’s totally fair! It was a little intuition, a lot of “going with the gut”, and a bit of flair, it’s true. But I figured if none of this resonates with OP at all, they can choose to ignore me as full of shit 😛
Just for the record, I’m going insane wondering what the thing is.
Expensive kitchen appliance.
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it’s not the only reasonable one
This guy knows.
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves…
I mean… yeah. I’m not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it’s good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn’t. This wasn’t.
Fair! Definitely wouldn’t have complained, but I’m a different person :)
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
The wife?
I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate.
You might’ve missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I’m not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
This sound like me… Father gave me a gift that I don’t need, I get irritated and said something that I shouldn’t say. Spouse pointed that out to me, said it was their thought that mattered. I feel sorry and guilty ever since…
I never used that thing, but I kept it very safe.
